Time Warp

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you experience all the emotions?  Like, every single one? That’s been my week.  

I received news late last week that layoffs were happening where I worked in a past life.  Someone had been impacted that had made my life unbelievably difficult.  I felt validated.  Seen. Heard. Finally. I also felt like a horrible human being for feeling any and all of those things - this is, afterall, someone's life. 

Fast forward to early this week … someone else from that team reached out - they had also been laid off.  While they didn’t outright tell me “that” person had been laid off, he told me who was left.  I didn’t comment.  As the conversation continued, the narrative about the other person’s value began to emerge … the underlying commentary, neither should have been laid off and the company was going to suffer as a result. 

Let’s pause there shall we. 

My brain understands that none of this was or is about me.  I grasp and appreciate that being laid off - no matter the reason or context - is a blow … emotionally, financially, your identity can feel attacked or lost, your ego is bruised … or some combination thereof. I understand the anger, the deflection, the need to justify or defend your choices, actions etc. for all the reasons. 

My brain understands that … respects it even. 

The rest of me … 

Well, what I understand now - that would have been helpful at the start of the week … 

I was in a place that my own HR leader referred to as a psychologically unsafe work environment. Day to day, moment to moment, interaction to interaction … I never knew when I would have to defend my position, by choices, my feedback … every time I held a particular person accountable - I was wrong … I micromanaged … I didn’t understand … I lacked … My leader defended that and then advised me if I had wanted to let them go, I should have … without his support, without any support … despite my repeatedly calling out his behaviour, despite him repeatedly going over my head and consistently being allowed too … Despite being told he should be in the position, when the evidence clearly said he shouldn’t.  That’s just a single example of behaviour … a single moment in time … My brain learned that fighting was the equivalent of running into a brick wall … my brain slowly started to question my value, my worth, the data in front of me … I learned - with consistency and time to question right and wrong, my sanity, my choices, my value … I learned to be hyperviligent … I didn’t stop raising the issue, or challenging the behaviour, but I learned to pick my moments and took advantage of them when they appeared … in short … I learned to survive - not thrive, survive.  

It’s why I took time off between that place and this place … I needed space to breathe, to allow myself to let go … to release the baggage I didn’t want to bring along, so I could really start fresh.  

Read I thought I was over it, I thought I had let it go, I thought I had moved forward. 

Laughs … Oh silly delusional me.

The anger, fear, anxiety, panic and insecurity that swept into my life within hours of that text exchange … f ck … that’s the only word I have … f ck … 

Truth be told, the residuals are still there … I can feel it. It’s slowly leaving my system.  Slowly.  I’m having to sit with all those old narratives, emotions … Having to tell myself I’m safe, I’m valued, I belong at the tables I’m seated at etc. 

In the midst of this super fun spiral … a comment was made at work … someone in an Executive position made a comment which I suspect was meant to show his value and worth and diminish his peers … What he likely doesn’t understand is that what he’s doing is suggesting the teams and individuals doing the work are the ones he is discrediting, devaluing and his unchecked actions give permission to others to do the same.  While I didn’t hear the comment first hand - it’s not the first time he’s made a comment like this - so it has a ring of truth.  

I’ve brought it to the attention of my boss … Two offences have been brought to my attention … while not quite a pattern, we are moving in that direction and I have low confidence he won’t do it again.  Saying nothing means I am no better than the people I chose to leave … By saying nothing, I condone the behaviour, the message … I am part of a problem, becoming a person I have no interest in aligning with.  Allowing the narratives to go unchecked means I’m supporting behaviour that has the potential to slowly erode others' confidence, safety, sanity, value … I’ve been on that side and do not - ever - want to be a part of creating an environment that allows others to feel that way. 

I will not be that person.

Hearing my boss agree, understand, validate my concerns and commit to taking action … I felt myself breathe … I wasn’t reliving the past … I wasn’t being discouraged from calling out bad behaviour … I was being supported.  I was being heard.  

Because emotion isn’t logical or sequential … in the midst of all this … I was also angry.  Angry at myself for being pulled back in time, for not seeing the behaviour for what it was - sooner, by dismissing or excusing the behaviour, for justifying it.  I was angry with them - the people who treated me that way.  I was angry at myself for not being over it - being back where I started. 

What I understand now - that would have been useful knowledge at the start of this - this reaction is and was normal.  F ck.  Right?  While logically, I’m safe … I’m not there anymore … in those moments it’s normal to feel like I’m back in that space, in those moments … Apparently the body stores these reactions as a survival mechanism … I think the hard part for me … I didn’t want to believe I experienced a traumatic event … I wasn’t physically attacked … The idea of using the word trauma to describe ongoing emotional abuse and gaslighting felt wrong.  Felt overdramatic.  It seems my body would disagree.

So, I’m using the anger … To motivate myself to redo the work, to use my voice to call out bad behaviour - when I see it.  I understand the impact of passive acceptance, I’ve lived it. 

In the midst of the spiral - I thought I was the problem … I defaulted to the narratives of justification, what I could do differently, better … the feelings of thinking I’m not enough, I don’t bring value, questioning my sanity and the conclusions I’m drawing … I focus on me because that’s what I control.  

The spiral was short - thank goodness.  It was also educational - which is often the case. 

I learned how quickly I can drop into a headspace or emotional state I don’t want to relive.  I learned that I can identify it quickly - I can name it.  I still have to feel it, but I can move through it faster. Knowing I’ve done it before helps … I also don’t think looking at my own behaviour is wrong.  Identifying my patterns, looking for what I can correct or change is helpful.  It’s not about blame - it’s about understanding where I have control, what I can change, or influence and that gives me space to breathe and lets me unfreeze and move towards action.  

While my time warp brought up a lot of emotion I could have lived without … Sometimes these things happen.  I don’t have to love how it felt reliving them. I’m allowed to be angry. On this side of the spiral, I can say I know I can move through it faster - doing the work the first time gave me a foundation that I now know matters.  I’m allowed to continue moving forward … better … stronger and somewhat wiser.