Stillness

This week felt long … it felt heavy … I don’t know the what’s or why’s … I just know combined with all that sludge there was an underlying anger, I even want to say despair … but not in a “why me” kind of way - more of a “how” kind of way … while I don’t normally do anger well, this week it got me through the week, it fuelled motivation, drive and busy-ness.  

I realize this reads very doom and gloom …. Or here’s the number to a really good therapist (spoiler - I have that number).

Not all the emotion is mine … 

Sometimes energy creeps in, through my socials, being out running errands, with friends … Sometimes it creeps up on me.  I’m easily frustrated, I’m not sure why … This sometimes is compounded with my brain racing … It's like riding a bicycle when the tire is slightly flat … you still move but you know something is off and everything about the experience is much more difficult than it needs to be.

My brain is trying to process and problem solve - but it’s missing data.  So - it’s running itself into a theoretical wall.  It makes sleep hard. My dreams - which I typically don’t remember - are wild and disturbing and I’m waking up on edge.  This causes me to push myself to get all the things done - when what I really need is to just stop.  Be still. Allow myself to not be busy.  

When my brain is stumped or stuck - I like to be busy.  It distracts me, I can usually find solutions.  Not always - it depends on the complexity of the problem.  This one has been building, slowly, for a while.  It suddenly feels urgent - it’s not, but because it feels like it is or should be, my brain goes down rabbit holes, teasing the problem apart, inspecting it from all angles, trying to understand what it’s missing.  

During a conversation with my sister I realized maybe what was missing was external data.  So, I have been asking a small group of people what they see as my strengths. 

A few things to clarify - I’m not insecure.  I mean - I am human, so I have my moments, but generally, I’m not insecure.  I’m also not fishing for compliments.  At work - I understand what I’m good at - but what about who I am makes an impact, creates ripples … That I don’t fully comprehend - I want to, I need to. 

So … I asked. 

Not everyone I know. Not people I currently work with. If people want to believe I’m in the midst of an existential crisis, it’s probably better they aren’t people I need to influence, or lead, or have credibility with.  

Slight detour - I did this, sort of, once before. I was encouraged to consider mentoring.  In my mind, that’s different from leadership and before I committed I needed to know if anything I had offered to others through leadership made me a worthy mentor.  So I asked people I used to lead.  I explained why I was asking and was clear that “don’t mentor” was a legitimate answer, that, if true, I needed to hear.  What was interesting, the reasons I thought I could be good at mentorship, weren’t the reasons they shared.  That’s not to say those reasons weren’t or aren’t valid.  They just weren’t as important to the individuals in question.  The things they found valuable - are the things that were hard, that pushed them, helped them grow … the things that most people don’t appreciate.  The things they talked about - were cool, or at least they were to me.  I realize they also weren’t for everyone … but it’s good to know that to some people, they mattered.  They had value.  

Back to the point - success and significance are not always the same.  The latter being harder to measure in terms of the impact  you had on someone else. For someone else.  

The bright spot in my week was my volunteer session.  Kids have a way of lightening life.  The excitement and joy they bring to play, learning … It's infectious. 

To be clear - as much as I’d like significant - teaching is not on my bingo card.  I love kids, but in short bursts and their parents - not all, but the few … hard pass. 

I’m still fighting my head - writing this has helped.  Raising the question with people I trust, has helped.  Talking to myself has helped. Having humans in my life that legitimately make me want to be a better human helps.

The heaviness is subsiding … As is all the underlying emotion that has been attached to it.  

Maybe I’m getting better at letting go.

Laughs.

Maybe.  Growth does happen. 

I’m allowing myself some stillness tonight.  I’m giving myself permission to just be. 

Sometimes that's all it takes to hit pause on the noise inside my head. To slow everything down - return to a sense of calm internally. 

That will be my goal this weekend. Presence.  When my mind gets loud, presence leaves the building. I race through all the things instead of just being in the moment.  I have errands to run and things to get done, but my main goal will be to stay in those moments.  To focus on the sounds, the smells, etc. around me at the market, the grocer etc. To force myself to slow down. 

I need to be more intentional about that.  Not letting my brain always pull me into urgent, into now, distracting me from the noise and the weight. 

While I enjoy my cognitive abilities … I appreciate my brain's unique ways of processing … I also appreciate it when it’s not loud or hyper fixated on a detail or a problem … Like everything else - it also needs rest.  After the week we just came through, finding that lightness is grounding.  It lets everything that needs to fall away - fall away.  

It’s funny how writing can transform my mood, my mindset.  No silver bullets, no answers to questions, and yet … quiet has replaced the noise, a lightness has settled where the weight once held space. 

Stillness. 

It’s good for my soul.