The Gap

Someone I love recently annoyed me. They thoroughly pissed me off actually. I was angry at them and then angry at myself for being angry at them. 

That’s the worst kind of anger.

They behaved as they always did … I was angry because it wasn’t what I needed. The gap … well … the gap between who I need and who they are … that’s where disappointment, frustration and anger form. 

I needed help and they couldn’t or wouldn’t offer it. 

Well - that’s my point of view. It’s possible they believed they did. That’s the tricky spot isn’t it. I have the right to need help - to ask for it. They have the right to not offer it - for whatever reason. 

What I’m realizing - it’s a balance. Do they ever show up? Are they capable? Based on the relationship we have - am I ok with that? At what point do I call them out on it? Or do I? 

There isn’t an easy answer. There are no clear cut rules. It isn’t even what I’d do with this person versus that person. Every situation is different. 

I may or may not know what’s going on in someone else’s life … It doesn’t mean I feel the weight of what they are carrying moment to moment, day to day. When they don’t show up in a way I need or want, it may not have anything to do with me … it may be that they don’t have the capacity. 

The trick is - how long do you allow that? When do you call it out? Do you call it out? When do you walk away? 

I don’t know. 

I have walked away. From people, situations that felt one-sided … That consistently took but never gave. That left me drained. Left me empty. They weren’t one and done … I didn’t regret walking away. Those decisions were what I needed in those moments. 

Some people would have left sooner and some not at all. I left when I knew I needed to. When my head and heart came together in a moment of calm, a moment of clarity and I just knew.

Not all disagreements require an ending. Some are the result of the gap … the difference between insert the thing … 

The anger I’m usually quick to let go of … I don’t like carrying anger … I process it quickly. The hurt, the disappointment … that takes longer. That cuts deeper. 

When I was little - well, younger … if I did something I wasn’t supposed to … Mother would get angry, Dad would tell me he was disappointed. The anger was easy to cast aside. The disappointment - not so much. It forced me to think about my behaviour, my choices, my decisions … It forced self reflection. Didn’t love the emotions that came from that. 

Did I miss curfew again? Yes. That was inevitable. It did create the habit of self reflection. Evolution. Growth. The disappointment was tied to my credibility, my ability to build or earn trust. Disappointing someone still bothers me more. Still forces me to pause. Still makes me uncomfortable. 

It’s harder to defend my actions against disappointment … not impossible, but harder. 

I appreciate that’s a me thing. Some people don’t care if they disappoint others. Sometimes it’s their inability to take ownership or accountability, sometimes they don’t respect the other person enough to worry. For some - disappointment carries no more or less weight than other emotions. Others - the emotional impact is irrelevant - the feedback on their behaviour is enough. 

When I hear “disappointed” in the context of feedback I don’t want, it’s usually because I know I’ve done something I shouldn’t have and facing that, being accountable for that is uncomfortable. I don’t like that feeling - but I respect that sitting with it is necessary. Understanding, owning how the thing you did impacted another person - that matters. At least to me. 

To clarify - I don’t believe I can or will or should please everyone. My point is that I make commitments, I give my word, I have relationships … How I show up in these, honour these - that matters. It’s a reflection of who I am … Making who I am match how I behave … that matters. 

Do I think this person tried to let me down? Tried to not show up? No. Do I think they even realize they didn’t show up? Also no. I actually think they believe they helped. I can’t ask them to be something they aren’t. They show up in a million other ways that matter. It’s not even that I really needed them to help with this - I think it was the weight of everything else in the moment - needing someone to step in and help carry that for a hot minute so I didn't feel like I had to. 

Honestly … sighs … Which means the gap - in this situation - was a me problem. The anger, the hurt, the disappointment … all by products of something unrelated to them, but attached to them because their actions or non actions were the straw … They were the one attached to that moment. 

My circle is filled with personalities that aren’t mine. The differences create tension … In the good moments that tension is good … It helps shape me into a better person, a better version of me … In the harder moments, that tension creates gaps … Communication is harder, differences become bigger … It’s not a bad thing - sometimes the differences are the point of view you need - to navigate, see more clearly, problem solve in ways you couldn’t alone … Sometimes we just need the reminder - we need to be mindful of what the gap brings, why it’s in our lives … take the extra moment … Especially when we’re angry, or hurt or disappointed. 

It’s easy to say - hard to do … especially when you’re in the moment … when the emotions are blinding you … sometimes it takes a minute - or two … Sometimes you call them out, because you should … sometimes you take a beat to let the emotion go and think more clearly about what happened and why you felt what you felt … Sometimes the emotions are valid, sometimes they aren’t … Sometimes they are external to the person and event that triggered them … 

It’s more art than science - being honest with people who matter … calling out behaviour, setting boundaries … yet doing it in a way that doesn’t damage the trust, the foundations of what you have … understanding when it’s them and not the cumulation of your day, your week, a million other things that are really the problem … 

In this case it took longer than a minute … the pros and cons of feeling all the emotions all the time … you start to feel when feelings don’t fit, aren’t right … are misplaced … they linger until you can place them, then you let them go.