Liam

I spent a week with friends at a cottage. A group of us have been doing this for a few years now. One of the things I love about going is how much reading I do. This trip I was in and on the water everyday and still managed to read four books. 

I love books with characters that the author spends time developing … characters you - as the reader - engage with, cheer for, cry with … I especially love when those characters evolve over the course of the book … It’s easier to connect and painful when the author wrongs them or worse, kills them off. 

I’ve been devastated by the loss of characters before … but never did a fictional death stay with me as long as Liam’s. 

It’s not just that I sobbed when he died - and I did - his death stayed with me … days later … I am still carrying it. 

What I’m learning about death … grief changes from something you carry to something you contain. The echoes of everyone you’ve lost live inside you … Every gift they’ve ever given, shared values, ways of loving … I originally thought the timing was why it was hard … But it kept returning to the front of my mind. 

Then I thought - how he lived and the recent thoughts about reciprocity - might be why.

Liam is like Sam Wise … His presence, his strength, his friendship … None of it needs to shrink the abilities of others - he can be good at all the things without needing others to be less. What I’ve come to realize is that this character resonates so deeply because he is a reflection of my own North Star. 

He’s the best of them - without making any of his friends be less - feel less. He is all the ordinary moments made extraordinary because they are evidence of his love. 

I loved somebody once who changed something fundamental about my understanding of love - in the best ways.  It took a long time to understand the gift he left with me - I’m starting too … 

Liam may not have been a romantic lead … but he had soulmate energy … He showed up, lived thousands of ordinary moments, cared deeply about anyone he considered his pack … Whether his choices are right or wrong are up to each individual reader … I believe - with my whole being - that everyone needs a Sam Wise in their lives. I now believe - as strongly - that everyone needs a Liam. 

They aren’t just reflections of who I should want in my life, but reflections of who I want to be in the lives of others - in my own. Not everything needs a grand gesture … Sometimes the small things - like a stowaway floral arrangement - carry more meaning because they are evidence that we matter in the circles we travel in, the packs we live in.

Am I more emotional right now than usual? Yes. 

Would Liam’s death have had the same impact three months ago? I don’t know. 

Breadcrumbs - or godwinks as my aunt called them - come in the most unpredictable ways, in the oddest moments. 

The weight of Liam’s death may have just been piggybacking on the weight of hers. His character - I adored. I still adore. I saw his death coming but it broke my heart anyway. A good book should make you feel - something, anything! At least that’s what makes a good book to me. 

Yet something about his death wouldn’t leave, wouldn’t let go … That’s the breadcrumb … Being open to the crazy ways the universe confirms you’re getting it … You’re growing … You’re returning … 

My North Star echoes in a variety of ways across my pack … It’s reflected back at me in characters I adore - who resonate. It’s mirrored in how I look to show up for myself - for others. She’s my soulmate, she has been in every lifetime - whether we lived them or not … Liam resonates because if he were real - he would have been one of my soulmates too. 

I’m using that term to describe people who come into your life and fill it - with love, friendship, the best parts of who they are … soulmates - I have several … how lucky am I?

Someone asked me if was going to read the remaining books in the series. Truthfully - I don’t know. While I loved the book, I loved the other characters … I’m not sure. Life continues after loss … While the remaining books exist - I’m not sure I’m ready to reenter that fictional world without Liam in it.  Maybe one day - but not today. 

While I know life and death intersect … I think my next book will have a little less death intersecting with life and just a little more life. 

Will it also have a Liam or a Sam Wise? Well, one can only hope.