My Personal OS

I made a joke last week about having a principle that states “I am physically capable of carrying something; that doesn’t automatically make it mine to carry” and then promptly decided to move my sectional - by myself. 

It was funny. I had quite literally ignored one of my own principles while quoting it. But it also made me stop.

I created these principles for myself, to act as guardrails … To keep me accountable, force myself to pause and ask should I be doing this … I lean towards fixing … I’m a problem solver … This also means I overstep, pick up things that aren’t mine to solve, to carry, to build … When you’ve spent a lifetime in this headspace and effectively had the behaviour rewarded in the workplace … Unlearning it - somewhat problematic. 

Layer in my tendency for impulsiveness … In the absence of constant supervision - which would cause me to rebel in other ways - I need checks and balances that I chose for myself - questions that interrupt the autopilot long enough for me to decide whether what I’m about to do belongs to me.

The guardrails are new … I’ve been building them since late spring and I’m currently field testing them … I’m on version two. 

Sometimes doing it myself makes sense … I had a daybed in the spare room before moving the sectional in there. I was able to take it apart easily enough … The hard part was getting it down to my car, but that was more awkward than difficult - that took two trips … I was able to get everything into my car (master packing skills for the win) … All in, it took two hours and $15 … That felt worth my time. 

When we were cleaning out my aunt’s apartment we could have moved the furniture to the lobby and had the donation centre pick it up … The return on that - not there … Those pieces were large, heavy and it ultimately made more sense to pay for someone to move and transport them for us. 

These examples seem small and easily tossed in the “who cares” bucket … That’s fair … It’s the small things though, that stacked over time create patterns, create habits. I don’t know if those choices were right or wrong - they felt right in the moment and looking back I have no reason to think I would do it differently if I had the choice.

The core reason I created these principles … So I could ultimately answer “when is doing it myself agency versus another way of making myself carry everything?”

This is especially important when wanting to ‘help’ my friends, my family, at work … I don’t want others to take agency from me - I can’t take agency from others. Even when they are hurting … Even when helping is easily negotiated in my head as being helpful … Is it? Or is it helping me? Feel useful, in control, distracting from the discomfort of feeling helpless to help people I love. 

Sometimes stepping in is the right choice - the only choice … Not always … Sometimes just sitting, letting them hurt but knowing they aren’t alone is the choice … 

Not all choices are the ones I want to make … 

Sometimes I am the one hurting … I’m over-extended … My heart is shattered … I’m sick … What is reasonable then?

Given my history - my patterns … I also designed my ‘operating system’ for capacity.

When I have capacity, the OS expands. When I don’t, it collapses. When I have a migraine - I do only necessities … The day after, when I’m better but there are remnants, my OS expands but not fully. 

I measure evidence in my life against a finished product or picture … I scorecard myself against extremes and call it accountability. 

This is where it gets tricky … I can negotiate myself into and out of almost anything with surprisingly sound arguments and justifications … That is not a healthy place for me. It’s why I designed capacity - while I was at capacity. The day after a migraine I might not go to the gym, but I move, I’m just gentler on my system. The movement is only negotiable on the days when the migraine says ‘rest’ and my body listens - mostly because it has no choice … the amount and type of movement varies depending on the capacity I have in a given moment.

Agency and authorship matter to me. This is my life … 

So, I took action. If these are my patterns, how do I protect myself against the ones that don’t serve the person I’m becoming or the life I’m building?

I’m getting better at reaching for my framework - the guardrails … I have moments where I make choices that are questionable - yup, that sectional couch ….

Just because I’m capable doesn’t mean it’s mine to carry. 

That one is probably the hardest, because sometimes the answer is no, I’m not responsible but that path requires more effort, more time, often more emotional currency … Read - it’s hard and uncomfortable. 

That’s the thing about habits … They often function on autopilot … disrupting them isn’t always easy. 

Sighs … 

As Dumbledore said “we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.”

While I’m not fighting the greatest evil of my time, he’s not wrong and his words are relevant to my life and the life I’m building.

So I make a choice, not just once, all the time … Sometimes I get it right … Other times I don’t. The point isn’t to keep score - it’s to notice. If the same choices keep taking me somewhere I don’t want to go, that’s feedback too. Sometimes the wrong turn is how I find the right one.

Apparently my life is not just in progress - it’s a field test.