Heartbeats

I recently had a whirlwind trip to see family. It was last minute, less than 24 hours and I was navigating four bebes’ schedules, packing etc. My part of the planning ended - temporarily - when we boarded our first flight … Someone else was responsible for navigating the where’s and when’s and how’s from that point until we arrived back at the airport. 

It was a great visit, everything went smoothly … Sometimes my brain doesn’t switch off … My papa had upgraded his phone this summer and in doing so his smartlight had become much less smart. I had tried to troubleshoot over the phone - no luck. Why am I telling you this? Yup, that problem surfaced to the forefront of my brain just before dinner. Was I asked to? No. Did I need to? Arguably, no. My brain will argue otherwise - and did. 

Sometimes I can’t switch off - especially when there are a lot of moving parts. Instead of pausing or stopping or enjoying the moment - my brain is working through the next step, the next problem, the next action. 

I don’t always realize I’m doing it while I’m doing it. Truthfully - I probably do it more than I realize. 

It occurred to me today as I was talking through the visit and in doing so I wondered how present I had allowed myself to be. 

My first thought - how do I keep myself present? That question hit a wall - I can’t be present while wondering if I am, or if I don’t recognize I’m not. Does asking myself if I am in every moment make me more present?  Ah - nope. 

Insert double edged sword here.

Don’t misunderstand - it was a fantastic visit. I’m glad I went. The kids were happy to be there. I’d like to be more present in these moments - for myself. 

I’m not always good at pausing, which sounds hilarious given I can doomscroll with the best of them … But doomscrolling is a distraction - not a pause. 

How do I practice presence? Being in the moment - preventing my brain from flipping between the hundreds of open tabs and staying focussed on the one in front of me? The people, the moment. 

I can do this. I do do this. I have done this. 

I find it harder when there is a lot going on … 

I think it’s why I gravitate to certain personalities (e.g., my planner) … If I’m not coordinating the itinerary I’m better at keeping the tabs to a minimum - certain things will still over stimulate me (read unexpected outdoor light displays, bizarre clocks etc.) … Overstimulated I can navigate. 

I know I’m not alone in navigating this problem … the how or why’s may be different - or not - but the outcomes are the same.

I do plan … I had tickets, rides to and from the airport, a plan for departing the mornings of … I controlled what I could control … 

My brain wants to solve this, to fix this … That’s what my brain does - it looks for patterns, identifies solutions. 

Maybe this isn’t meant to be solved. This visit was important to my family - the window was short, I wanted to fix something that was a problem - at one point - for my papa … Which may or may not have still been a problem … Either way - it’s fixed … One tab closed. 

It’s hard for me to accept that not everything needs solutions, not everything I don’t think I do well needs correcting. Hilariously - I used to be a perfectionist. I say used to be, because I thought I fixed it. Sighs … the humour in that is not lost … 

Did I have a good visit? Yes. Did I enjoy myself? Also yes. 

I was there for a heartbeat … Dinner … Then back in motion. Given the distance travelled, it’s possible I’m being overly critical of myself - of my brain. I know … me - overly critical? That seems unlikely … laughs … Overly critical is one of my voices - both my least favourite and not favourite voice … 

I was there for a heartbeat … 

That’s what made it what it was … Everything came together … Availability, flights, the shuttle, miracle no-traffic highways, flights departing and arriving on-time. 

A perfect little adventure spent with family. 

I didn’t need to show up perfectly … I just needed to show up. I did. With hugs, laughter, an appetite, kisses for all my bebes and pets for all the puppies. 

Sometimes a heartbeat is all the time we can make … so that’s what we do. 

I love that my kiddoes don’t question that - it’s just something they do … The adventures they say yes to - despite the early mornings and lack of sleep - they are all onboard. 

Maybe the solution is continuing to say yes … Practicing the heartbeats … Maybe the solution is to listen for the calls from adventure and grab them when I can …