New Year ... New Hope

Has anyone else experienced someone “giving feedback” or “voicing an opinion” in a way that left you feeling uncomfortable … left a bad taste … or just generally left you feeling ‘ick’?  I’m not talking about someone going down a hate fuelled tangent, or attacking the person instead of the behaviour … I’m calling out the ill-timed, I have a right to state my opinion feedback.

Just before Christmas, I had an appointment to get my nails done … when I chose my festive red and pushed my nail colour boundaries - by wearing colour.  During that appointment I was chatting about tennis with another woman - who was also getting her nails done.  It turns out she plays at a club just outside of town and it’s one I used to play at - once upon a time.  She was lovely.  She gave me options - that were wonderfully accessible - for the summer.  Sadly, she left.  The client that followed … less lovely.  

Context: I was getting a regular polish - not shellac, I know, very old school of me, very vintage … I also chose red, which means drying time is longer.  The second client came in just as the second coat of red was being applied.  

The woman doing my nails had apparently done this client's nails last time she was in … how do I know?  Sighs.  She volunteered that her last manicure had chipped while bowling and after paying a lot of money, they shouldn’t and if they did over Christmas what was she supposed to do.  

Insert awkward silence.  

Did the delivery of feedback reek of privilege?  Yes.  Was the feedback helpful?  Maybe.  Doubtful.  Did she have a right to feel as though she hadn’t gotten value for her money?  Absolutely.  Did she have a right to share that with the business?  Yes, yes she did.  

Here is where I have questions … I’m also a client, also paying for services (or will be once I’m finished receiving them), I’m in the middle of receiving services from someone she is publicly criticizing … she’s taking away from my experience, taking value from me, she has created an awkwardness, which wasn’t needed or called for.  Both of the women who worked there were uncomfortable but maintained their professionalism and steered the conversation onto mundane topics.  

It’s been in the back of my mind since it happened.  I like this place - a lot.  I like the women who work there - all of them - a lot.  While I’m paying for a service, I also recognize they are nails … chipping happens, or can, because life happens … do I like it when and/or if it does?  No. I like my polish to look polished.  It’s a thing.  But, they are also nails.  I’m also protective of people I like.  I recognize this about myself … I will always come to the defense of my people … 

What sticks with me, nothing about the conversation warranted the sudden sharing of feedback.  She clearly felt strongly about it … but wait … at least until I’ve left.  As annoyed as I am with her, I’m more annoyed with myself.  I said and did nothing.  Was I in the mood for an argument or a possible altercation?  No.  Should I have said something?  I don’t know.  I’m still thinking about it … so maybe saying something should have happened.  Nothing rude, or aggressive ... a simple “I appreciate you are disappointed with the service you had … as a fellow client, who is in the middle of receiving services, I would have appreciated it if you had waited and shared that privately instead of pulling value from a service I’m paying for.”  

It’s a delicate balance, a fine line, so many people think “their rights” override everyone else’s … fewer and fewer of us consider that there is a person on the other side of their feedback, opinions, anger etc. It’s the “if no one saw or heard it, did it happen” mentality.  I wonder if enough of us stop and consider if this was happening to me - would it be ok?  How would I feel?  How would I want this delivered? 

Maybe that’s what’s lingering … less her behaviour or my lack of action but the one more instance of the individual right outweighing what is right.  

More and more kindness feels like a cliche.  That hurts my heart.  

Don’t misunderstand, you can’t learn or grow without honest, constructive feedback … all I’m saying is that feedback was ill-timed and not constructive in its delivery.  It was one-sided, it didn’t allow for questions, discussion or understanding … It left her with nothing tangible to action.  If it had been a google review, it would have been rated “unhelpful”. 

Am I biased?  Maybe.  Do i know a thing or two about feedback?  Yes.  Do I do it right everytime?  Hell. No.  Absolutely not.  

I understand my views on this are likely outdated, or unpopular or both.  I don’t care.  I think as a collective we need to do better at how we challenge each other, how we push back, how we disagree, how we constructively deliver feedback … myself included. 

I’ve rocked boats my whole life … I’ve been labelled difficult and disruptive … I’m ok with that … challenging norms, questioning the status quo, innovation lives there.  Hurting people in the process … I’ve done that too - not intentionally and not something I’m proud of … but I’m human and it happens … so I learn and try to do better, to be better.  

As we migrate through the new year, here’s hoping the pendulum is swinging towards balance, kindness, patience and understanding … one can hope.