Between Two Places

It’s been a week.  Ever had one of those?  One where it feels like a lifetime packed into 7 days?  Not because you did so much, but your mind did … and not consciously … but all behind the scenes?  

Let’s rewind … I am/was updating the hardware in my new place, I was in the process of replacing the door handles … It took a few minutes to figure out how to make the middle piece longer, but after the first door, I was in a groove.  Fast forward to the last door, the one for the bathroom … I had just screwed in the middle piece when I shut the door … while I was still in the bathroom. Good news, the door closed properly.  Bad news, the door closed properly.  I had the screwdriver, so I thought … it’s good, I’ll just mimic the door handle.  Nope.  Tried a couple different ways.  Still, nope.  

Insert moment of panic. 

My phone was in the hall closet … I I tried to clearly and loudly ask Siri to call a friend.  

Nope.  

Insert tears.  

My next thought was the door hinges.  Which felt like they had been welded on.  I persevered, got the hinges off … In some ways it was therapeutic, sometimes I think in those moments when you don’t know what you’re doing and panic is flirting with the edge of reason, having something to attack (read: hammering a screw driver at the top of a hinge pin with the end of a towel rack) is the thing that keeps you sane.  

Hinges off … no change.  Still trapped.  

Insert tears, panic and screams for help. 

Deep breaths and past the point of caring about the door or the door handle part … I used the end of the towel rack as leverage and pulled the door handle piece toward me .. cracking the door and getting myself freed.  

2.5 hours.  

That’s how long I was in there.  Once out … I wanted to go home … the realization that I was home brought on a fresh wave of tears. 

That was a Thursday night … I forced myself to go back on Friday and Saturday … I didn’t want to, but I went.  Sunday I flew out - work trip. 

Sunday to Thursday consisted of flights, back to back face to face meetings with my team, stakeholders, peers and vendors.  They were long days and there was no running between places.  There were airports, hotels, offices and restaurants.  

I got home early Friday morning.  Which I was able to take as a travel day.  

The kitchen cupboard hardware arrived before I was up and I enjoyed a coffee and met a woman about my bookshelf.  

Side note: she was a godsend, she knew exactly what I was doing wrong - with both my sanding and staining and the amount I learned in that 15 minute conversation - amazing!

I went to the hardware store and talked to them about a door …

Somewhere between being locked in the bathroom and running those errands - a funny thing happened.  I didn’t want to be between two places.  I wanted to be home.  Settled.  I was defining home as my new place.  

Funny how that happens.  

I have moments when I’m a bull in a china shop.  I am driven, focussed, and plough through to meet whatever goal or objective I’m pursuing … I’m ungraceful, direct, unstoppable … it isn’t always pretty, and pretty is never top of mind.  Ever.  

Laughs. 

I may not be graceful … but I’m learning I’m capable.  I’m not afraid to ask questions, to understand what’s not working and how to pivot.  While no one will accuse me of being without ego, I am also not so egocentric that I can’t recognize what I don’t know.  I’m not afraid to say “hmmm, this doesn’t look right and I’m not sure why.”

I will google, and google again … I’ll ask people who I know, know.  There is tons about home ownership I don’t know.  But, I’m not afraid to ask … I’m capable of learning … I will figure this out.  

Not every week will be renovations … change … in the coming weeks, we’ll start to settle.  Find what works and tweak our flow.  My new home is a safe space … somewhere I can turn into a sanctuary.  

The place I’m leaving, it was scary and new once too … we found our way … the new place is no different.  We’re well matched … we will find our way, find our groove. 

I guess that is the thing about homes … They require time to get to know each other, understand each other, and trust that we are each doing our part to take care of the other.  We’ve got that - this place and I - we’ve got that.