the Pause

Someone recently asked me if I was lonely during COVID.  I was thrown by the question … I wasn’t lonely and I hadn’t considered myself alone.  

I had a Georgie Cat. 

Answering I wasn’t alone apparently wasn’t answering the question.  While I appreciate the concern, it struck me as such an odd question. 

While I’m sure a lot of people were lonely, I get some people need to be around others - in a sitting in the room, face to face kind of way … I’m not.

I still worked - had several face to face meetings on Slack … went for socially distanced walks in the evening … curled up and cuddled with a Georgie Cat while watching a movie or reading. 

I liked the absence of busy … I enjoyed the pause. 

Don’t misunderstand - I worked a lot.  But that wasn’t COVID specific … The hours were unrelated. 

While I understand not everyone views connection the same … In my mind I wasn’t alone … Georgie was a living, breathing, lovable part of my life.  I talked to her - constantly.  We cuddled - more on her terms than mine … I’m more of a cuddler than she was. I interacted with people at work, chatted with friends and family … my connections were still present. 

The big difference was my social life … it paused. 

While I also appreciate my COVID experience wasn’t everyone’s … I needed the pause more than I knew … I was grateful for the pause … Truth be told, I sometimes miss the pause. 

I could absolutely be a hermit and survive.  It wouldn’t necessarily be healthy - but I could do it.  

I think that’s the thing … I had small projects, I read, I walked, I boarded, I curled up with a Georgie Cat … But I also grieved.  I lost my nephew the first week of COVID and the funeral wasn’t until September … As a result, the grief came in waves - not all at once.  

That pause allowed me time to feel it, to mourn him, to let him go without the day to day noise or usual busyness.  

I like the quiet - well, I like the space to think, to breathe, to just be … I like noise - usually music, sometimes movies where I can hear it, I’m not necessarily watching it. 

I think because my days are often filled with so much noise - lots of meetings, listening to all the problems, navigating office politics or commentary on actual politics that pausing some of that - well, it’s a welcome change. 

I’ve heard expecting mothers move into a nesting stage shortly before their babies come … I get this … Cleaning and organizing are calming.  I started deep cleaning in the spring and fall during COVID … I liked the smell of a fully scrubbed home … My downstairs neighbours son used to say it smelled like candycanes … I use peppermint, lemon and eucalyptus to clean the walls and baseboards.  I lived in a century home and while I can’t validate with science, I can say I didn’t once see evidence of mice in my apartment and I know they were in the building and in other apartments.  The scent also chased off the carpenter ants and other creepy crawlies.  

I get wanting to invest time and energy into making your home feel the way you want/need it to feel.  To quiet the chaos, exude warmth and calm.  To have personality layered with depth and authenticity.  If I’m not one dimensional - why should my home be?

I think that's the interesting part about the question … I like my social life … I like dressing up for parties or outings or work … I enjoy travelling and exploring and experiencing the world around me … But as much as I crave those things … I also crave the quiet of my own company, quiet nights in - no plans, no people … just me. I enjoy staycations - no plans, no schedule.  While sometimes I lean towards one side more than the other or I need one side more than the other … To be the best version of myself - I need both the quiet and the chaos. 

The take away?

While I can’t wait for the world to shut down and let me rest guilt free … I can schedule in or create time where I allow myself to stay in - to say no to plans I’m not feeling and not feel obligated to explain my choice or justify my reasons. Whichever I’m choosing, it’s guilt free.  I’m choosing it because it makes sense for me.  It’s what I need.  

I’m allowed to pause when I need to pause, say no when I need to say no.  I’m allowed to fill my time with the places, people or peace I choose. 

Pausing is wildly underrated … 

Admittedly I like my company, I don’t have a fear of missing out … That makes saying no easier. 

While pausing isn’t for everyone and loneliness is real … I like pausing … I just need to balance the no’s with the yes’s … ensure I’m not pausing life or escaping reality … using the pause to recharge, to rest, to ready myself for the next adventure.