Resiliency

Has anyone else ever experienced that knowing what something means, the ability to use it in the correct context in everyday life but in the context of self … you feel compelled to look up the definition?  

That can’t just be me … 

Since I bought my condo I’ve had two moments of regretting any life choices … so … read full on drama queen moments.  Yesterday - the kitchen faucet broke - I thought I could use it without the smaller piece, but when I tried, water - everywhere.  Joy.  

Slight rabbit hole: one of the reasons I didn’t buy a house, I don’t have “house skills”.  I don’t have a sense for plumbing or electrical, while I own basic tools I don’t own tools.  I don’t have a place to store tools and, if I’m being totally honest … I don’t have any interest in learning these skills.  

Now, here I am, without the skills, the tools and a need for both. 

So, I’ve been relying on other people … which I also don’t love. Now I’m reliant on their schedules, fitting into their priority matrix - which is always different from my priority matrix - and things remain undone for longer than I want them undone for.  You can imagine how much I love that.  

This past week I’ve felt stalled … waiting … for things outside my control … insert heart palpitations here.  

I feel like things that shouldn’t anger me, are.  Patience is non-existent, I’m easily upset and all of this also annoys me.  

To be clear, I don’t regret buying this place.  My lack of skills are still a lack of skills, they are just amplified this past week.  

At first I was frustrated with needing to be this dependent on other people.  Then I was frustrated at my emotional response to all things not falling into my timelines.  Then I was angry at my essentially behaving like a toddler throwing a tantrum.  Needless to say - it’s been a roller coaster of a week. 

I then started to wonder what happened to my resilience … Or worse, did I imagine I had it, when, in fact, I did not.  

Holding up a mirror, always with the fun!

My brain was muddying that up quite nicely … So I looked up the definition - sometimes a reset is necessary.  

According to Oxford, resilience is the ability to withstand or recover quickly from difficulties.  

My brain was caught on the withstand part of the definition.  I don’t withstand difficulty, probably at all.   I get angry, or frustrated, or I cry, or want to hit something or someone, or give up or run away or some combination of all those things. I emote.  The level of difficulty is usually aligned with my emotional response, not always … read the straw … sometimes something small pushes me over the edge and my response is not even remotely aligned with the situation in front of me.  

To clarify, I don’t hit people or things, as much as I may want to at the moment.  So I do have the capacity for control #winning.

I’ve been beating myself up over responding to difficulties or bumps.  My brain completely overrode the recover quickly part of the definition.  

In most cases - not all - I do recover quickly.  I emote, I calm down, my brain looks for information, I problem solve, take action and move on.  I backslide periodically … but generally I move forward.  

Breathes a sigh of relief.  

So, I’m on the resilience spectrum. I’ll take that.  

I still have unpacked boxes, while those exist, I feel unsettled … like I’m not fully here.  That sounds silly, but it’s how my brain works.  While all my things are here, the undone is difficult for me.  I’m clearly a destination not the journey type of girlie, which is something I suspect I’m going to have to sit with, given the week ahead has some “undone”.  By some - read lots.  

I don’t like anger, while I respect it has a purpose - I don’t wear it well and try to process through it quickly.  So, figuring out “undone” needs to be a priority … The anger over the past week has run its usefulness and it’s time to move past it as a response.

I realize these challenges are small in the scheme of things and might seem silly to get upset over.  I won’t disagree.  They feel like a test on my willingness to let go of my need for control … for trusting that things will work out the way they should … If that’s the case, let's hope the lesson is sticking, let’s hope I’m progressing through my evolution as a human being … Let’s hope I’m finding the middle ground between action and trust and resiliency is something I am capable of … I do in fact have.  Let’s hope …