My Foundation

I am a fan of movies with superheroes, underdogs … I love a good Marvel movie. Rocky is my ultimate guilty pleasure … I like watching people overcome … Real or fiction - it doesn’t matter … Stories where someone is fighting for the life they want, where they get up again and again - even in the moments when it’s hard, when it hurts, when everything inside you is screaming at you to stop … Watching those moments - I feel those moments, my whole body feels those moments.

I know I’m not alone here … I’ve watched these moments unfold in movie theatres and have seen, heard and felt the reaction of the entire audience … 

While I’m not fighting to save the universe or the heavyweight champion of the world etc. etc. I am fighting my old stories, my own mind, my current identity, past demons … I’m fighting myself. That feels infinitely harder.  Especially when I want to show up in my own life in ways that both my past and future self would be proud … that my bebes would be proud … that the people I love would be proud. I want to continually choose “right” over “easy” because it is right. 

Sometimes right is easy. 

Sometimes.

Sometimes it isn’t. 

Sometimes it’s subjective - or I can rationalize its subjectivity in my head.

Enter our rabbit hole. 

 I have this idea that how I look matters as it relates to my worth, my safety, my value … The why behind that are several rabbit holes and a story or stories for another time. Let’s just say - in the moments (and there were several) that evidence made its way into my head, it FELT valid. My body - in its infinite wisdom proceeded to redefine the safeguards I’d had for years and I started to gain weight. A lot of weight. 

I’d have moments where I would decide I needed to lose weight … I would get to a certain point and stall … Over time, I realized I was getting to the same range before I’d unconsciously find ways to stop, to sabotage, to get in my own way.  

I do love a good pattern.

At first I thought I didn’t have the discipline, I didn’t really want it … insert all the stories … if you’ve been there … you know them … 

Three years ago I began to uncover narratives I’d been telling myself or I’d been told and adopted as my own … They didn’t just exist around my weight … They existed in all facets of my life … There were/are a lot!

Knowing the narratives wasn’t enough … And to be clear … uncovering the narratives was exhausting, emotional and wildly uncomfortable.  Just when you think you’ve got it figured out … you don’t … more layers … followed by more layers … endless layers … 

I know we aren’t through this rabbit hole … We are taking a side quest anyway - stay with me … 

I like systems, frameworks - I like guardrails … No idea when or how that started, but we’re here now. I haven’t over analyzed this because it works for me. It’s helped me succeed in a job that is chaotic, it’s helped me deliver programs most expected to fail, it’s set me apart from my peers.  Vigilance, the ability to process critical data quickly in a crisis, act decisively and build foundations at the same time … it’s what I’ve built a career on. It’s because of this that the realization that I had inadvertently put up shields - protective measures - was not really surprising. 

I’m data driven … Evidence … My brain is always looking for evidence to support theories. My body, it seems, does as well. 

I’m recreating narratives, rewiring my brain to let go of outdated beliefs, outdated systems. Three years? That seems like way too long right?

I’m not going to lie … it’s been exhausting. It’s also been emotional, wildly uncomfortable and just outright hard.  Holding up a mirror? Asking hard questions and demanding brutal honesty? Giving myself grace, holding space for myself … The me that made these choices, chose these stories and patterns … She did so partly from fear, partly from grief, partly survival, she used the intelligence she had at the time. She ultimately made choices that were what were best for her in those moments - choices she needed.  

Finding evidence, believing it - not just consciously, but unconsciously, emotionally and physically … that takes time, it takes consistency, it takes patience. 

My weight has rollercoastered, but I didn’t stop. I had my moments … but I always started again. Then a funny thing happened … I hit a wall (again) … but my weight didn’t go back up … it fluctuated by about 5 pounds but it remained stable. I paused, I floundered, but I didn’t backslide. So what changed?

I started choosing me … I carved out time to walk, to sit in the sauna, I said no to things I didn’t want to do (not 100% of the time - but baby steps), I started dressing in ways that felt more like me - not to look a certain way, but to feel a certain way. I started wearing lipstick again - I’ve always loved how lipstick makes me feel. I started separating how I look and feel from who I am and in living that, my mind and body started believing it, started trusting that that was ok. In short - I started acquiring evidence to support my new narratives. 

Am I where I want to be? No. Do I feel like the work I’ve done/am doing is beginning to pay off? Yes. That matters more. Why? Because it’s like coming home to yourself - after a really long time away. I like who I am. I like who I’m becoming. 

I’m not a superhero or heavyweight boxer … but, like them, I didn’t quit. When it got hard, uncomfortable, the emotional weight felt overwhelming … I didn’t quit. I held my ground. I found my way.  

It turns out I’m worth fighting for. I’m worth hard. I’m worth uncomfortable. I’m worth carrying the weight of every overwhelming emotion. 

I knew that once. I forgot it somewhere along the way … or prioritized myself below everyone and everything else … or both?

It’s funny how much strength you can find when it matters … When you decide it matters … That strength, or resilience, or grit … it’s the thing that you use to get back up, push yourself forward, stay the course when it’s hard, when it hurts, when all you want to do is stop.  

Hope was there … it pushed me to the knowledge I needed … I was just too in the weeds to see it. Now that I do see it … I can push forward - to the next moment, the next win, the next habit falling away and a new habit taking its place. New narratives are taking root … they feel healthier, more aligned with the rooms I’m entering, the direction I’m moving and the person I’m working at being - at becoming. 

The pace may vary, but that’s ok. I have built the framework - the foundation.  Foundations take time. They are worth investing in, worth getting right … they are what will hold me up .. hold up this big, magical life.  The one worth every hard choice, hard action, all the overwhelming emotions, all the pain … Something worth every lesson I had to learn to get here.