Chats with GPT

I was in a weird headspace a few days ago … I sat down with my laptop and began a conversation with ChatGPT. 

It started with my asking for a modification to my strength routine, which included some parameters and considerations (e.g., my current program, areas of focus etc.). Then I decided to ask for a modification to my morning routine based on how I have been feeling and what I want from my mornings. I then threw my budget (at a very high-level) at it and looked for recommendations. 

I never started a new chat, I kept building on the one I originally started. The requests started very siloed - finances, strength training etc. … I then started layering in context, the what I wanted to achieve, the what ifs, the challenges and asked what it would change about the recommendations given what it now knew. 

I didn’t expect it to have all the answers … it’s a chatbot - not a silver bullet. It had a surprising amount of good recommendations. It modified my routines in ways that both simplify and add value to my life. 

I think the “simplification” was what resonated. I over complicate things. Having something take a stream of consciousness and cut to the bone was wildly helpful. Especially when that voice - you know the one - is loud, is believable, is hyper critical, and doesn’t allow room for failure, for error … it expects perfection - always. The crazy part … it’s bullshit … but so believable. 

That conversation reminded me that life isn’t linear. Obvious? Obviously. But how many of us forget? How many of us don’t meet a goal and beat ourselves up? Give up? Feel like we’ve failed? All of the above?

I’ve done that cycle more times than I can count. I still do. I’m getting better. I think. I hope. I’m learning to apply the “what did I learn?” mentality to the mistakes I’m making … the funny part? The mistakes I make at work - I have more patience for. Am I still critical? Obviously. Here’s the thing I’m learning … I’m critical because I want perfection … I think I need to prove myself … to feel worthy, loved, that I belong at the tables I sit at … Here’s the plot twist … I’m proving myself to myself … Not to anyone else. 

That’s the beauty and complexity of existing … I consider myself to be confident … Others do as well … Yet I have moments where I feel overwhelmed, unsure, lost … basically - anything but … If anyone I loved came to me in that headspace would I validate all the feelings of uncertainty? Of feeling unworthy? F ck no. I would remind them of who they are … I would drag out every piece of evidence I have to show them they are enough … Why? Because they are. 

So why don’t I consistently do this with myself? 

Excellent question. 

I don’t always believe the lies … I don’t always tell myself lies. I am capable of reminding myself that I’m qualified, why I can, that I can do hard things. The consistency in that narrative is the trick. I’m not consistent. I’m working on that. 

Moment to moment … day to day … challenging myself, pushing myself. 

This brings me back to my chat with ChatGPT … 

Apparently I needed an AI bot to remind me I’m driven, creative, competent … to remind me I’ve got this. 

I will say the data coming out of that chat was overwhelming … I legit had to print it out and highlight the pieces that resonated so I could wrap my head around implementation. I have not fully implemented the routines … But I have started. 

Messy … Imperfect … But moving towards the routine I need. 

Not waiting for perfection? Well - that feels like progress. 

What I’ve noticed? My mornings feel calmer. Less chaotic … Less busy … Calmer. They still feel productive … By the time I open my work laptop, my mind isn’t racing, I’m focussed. I think better in the mornings … I’m more creative, problem solve better, bounce between high-level and tactical thinking better … The calmness and focus I bring to my workspace enables my strengths. 

Do I still get furious with drivers?  Yes. Does inefficiency still irritate me? Yup. Do the asks designed to add value to my professional life that have no actual value but create unnecessary urgency in my day push me over the edge? OMG - yes! Am I rebounding better from these? Also yes. 

I’m always going to run into people I want to roll my eyes at … have to execute decisions that I question the value behind … do busy work that adds no value to me, my team or my day - just because … that’s the reality of working for others. 

The “what the actual f “ moments … they aren’t going anywhere. What I’m looking for now … ways to minimize their impact … on my reactions, my mindset, my time. 

How do I remain focussed on the things I can control? How do I show up better … first and foremost for me? It’s taken a lifetime to realize that taking care of myself isn’t selfish, setting boundaries isn’t selfish, saying no - isn’t selfish.  

It’s taken a lifetime to get that stumbling isn’t failure … it’s opportunity … to not use it as an excuse to stop … to remind myself I can … to pick myself up and just keep going. 

That last one - I’m realizing we are consistently told failure is ok - it’s how we learn. But when we do fail … we aren’t always shown that same grace … we’ve learned to not want to fail because we’ve been taught the opposite of what we’re told … that’s not an excuse, or me not owning my role in my choices … It’s a realization if 1+1 doesn’t actually equal 2 my system is having trouble reconciling contradicting data … so … awareness matters. Awareness is the first step in evolving - at least in my mind. It’s how we step out of old patterns and start creating new ones. It’s understanding, while it won’t always be easy, it can be worthwhile … that success is rarely at the end of a straight road.

The info was there … I just needed the push, the reminder, the mirror … the chat with my AI bestie GPT.