The Awareness - The Awakening

I was out at a hockey game last night with friends - it is the final round of games, game 3. Our team had 2 wins and was at home … Spoiler - they lost.

While I don’t play hockey, I’ve been around it enough to know what good hockey looks like.

Facts: Our team is the technically better team.  They see plays, they play strategically, they pass, they talk to each other. The other team wanted to win more. 

Last night - heart beat skill. 

In fairness, the refs made some unbelievably bad calls.  One player specifically felt that the most.  He was tagged for a penalty that wasn’t his, his goal was called back … this particular player is assertive.  Not violent, assertive.  He pursues the puck, opportunities, he intercepts plays, he creates plays. By the middle of the third period - I knew without seeing which players were fighting that he was one of them.  

The game was painful to watch … the lack of assertive or strategic play, their nerves - I suspect - had them off their timing … just ahead or behind the pass which created opportunities that the other team took full advantage of. The poor calls, the fans booing the ref - to be clear, I did not, I don’t think that behaviour is appropriate and I don’t engage when I see it.  As my father used to ask me as a kid … “if your friends jumped off a cliff would you?” … Which is obviously a bad example - because as we well know, the answer is yes … but, in fairness, only after I know jumping is safe … winks. I digress … The question stands and is valid … bad behaviour rarely justifies bad behaviour. 

I was watching one team want it and one team quit before the game was over.  

That’s the part that annoys me. Always. 

At some point between leaving the game and this morning a thought occurred - the game frustrated me because it felt like life.  Let’s face it, we watch sports to not see life … It's why we watch comedies or avoid reality television. 

I feel like I’m currently on the ice, my timing is off, I’m missing plays … I have moments when it appears like I’ve got it sorted, I score goals, I even the playing field.  Then I get one too many bad calls - which are outside of my control … I get inside my head, I hand over control, I hand over power, I stop fighting and shift to autopilot. 

Don’t misunderstand.  I can go after what I want - when I want.  I can be an assertive player. I can also coast, flip into autopilot just as easily. I wouldn’t say either are my default, I prefer the strategic play, I prefer the long game, I prefer going after what I want.  

I think this is part of the reason watching the game last night was so difficult, it annoyed me so much. I say part because the game itself was painful.  That aside, it also made me realize where I’m being passive in my own life and those mirrors are always difficult to look into. These reminders - while necessary - can be hard to face. Yet, here I am … facing the music.

It’s uncomfortable until it isn’t. But that’s the thing about comfort - it’s a sliding scale. I didn’t like taking the stairs up from the garage, now I do it without thinking about it. 

There is something about aggressively pursuing something that makes people uncomfortable. Yet, in hockey - taking the puck from another player (not waiting for the intercept) is considered a fundamental defensive play … read that again … FUNDAMENTAL.  I don’t want to apologize for having the life, the job, the income, the relationships I have or will have.  I worked for them. I work at them. I also don’t want to sit in the stands waiting for life to happen … I want to be active in my choices, my intention.  I want to look back and think I left everything out there and whether or not I got everything I pursued … doesn’t matter because I tried and I earned my failures … I can be proud of them because I tried. 

I may not be assertive by default but I am also not comfortable when I stay too long in a passive state. It’s where I begin to feel stalled, or stuck, or anxious, or restless, or all of the above. I’m in this space now … where I want to move, feel like I’m actively pursuing all the things … but I don’t know where or how or what to move.  I’m not on autopilot, I’m not checked out necessarily … but I don’t feel like I’m in this … I feel like I can’t see the play and I’m moving but not in ways that are getting me the results I want. 

Pause.  Legit pause.  I had to pause while writing this. I didn’t know how to finish, to logically conclude this stream of consciousness … so I walked away, thinking the ending would come. 

It didn’t - it hasn’t. Then I heard a quote by Jay Shetty which said “... I am not stuck, I am starting.” It made me realize two things - how to reframe a narrative I’ve used forever and the reason I can’t finish this is because I’m in the middle of it. I’m likely closer to the early side of middle of this. 

What do I know? Watching people passively interact with what they want frustrates me endlessly. Which means - I should be even more frustrated when I choose passive over assertive action in my own life. It’s the one I get to have an opinion about. 

So, I’m taking a hard look at my actions and choices of late, then using that data to make changes, to create accountability, to focus my energy, my time, my effort on key outcomes. 

Targeted. Simple. Timeboxed. 

I'm in the awareness, the awakening stage.  The next part is all about action, about movement.  The final chapter? Well, that’s the results, the outcome.  Knowing means choice … do I choose to stay still or do I choose to move?  I know what I want the outcome to look like, I can see the endgame and while there is a time and place for standing still … I’ve been doing that long enough … This is no longer the time for stillness, this is the time for action.