Self Reflection

I recently had a conversation with a friend about something that left me feeling like a terrible person.  To be clear, this was never said, or even implied … the conversation wasn’t about me.  So - why am I making it about me?  Great question! Let’s come back to this …

I left that conversation with a feeling I couldn’t shake … I left feeling heavy. I couldn’t quite place the feeling itself, I just felt the weight of it.  It wasn’t until a few days later I started to question how I show up for people … or don’t.  

Needless to say, it was a less than pleasant few days … brutal honesty with oneself is usually less than pleasant.  In retreating inward, I hadn’t struck a balance, I’d moved from one extreme to another.  To be clear, I’m not a martyr, I’m too selfish for that, I also lack the patience.  But, I used to be better at showing up, not great, not ever … but, better. 

While I wouldn’t say I spiralled into self loathing, thankfully I’ve never taken that path - I did have those not liking the person I’ve chosen to show up as moments … don’t love those.  They are uncomfortable, disappointing, and generally they make me feel like a kid who has been caught doing something I’m not supposed to  … I really don’t love that feeling.

The worst part of that feeling is the review of evidence … how have I been showing up?  Have I been showing up?  Why the gap? 

Yeah, looking at evidence of who you’ve chosen to be, when that person is falling so far short of who you’d like to be … yeah … all the ick’s. All. Of them.  

Here’s the kicker, showing up takes energy, requires effort and when you’re tapped, or, at least when I’m tapped, I retreat … I go inwards … so, to recap, I’m someone who problem solves out loud, on repeat but retreats inward for the heavy emotional processing.  Great.  Not complicated at all.  

So, how does an unbalanced individual strike a balance?  Great question.  Which brings us back to the original question … why is this even about me? 

I’m insanely lucky.  I have amazing people in my life … I’ve met people who have opened doors, provided opportunities, believed in me - even when I didn’t believe in myself.  I am surrounded by people who show up … in the most unique and amazing ways.  Showing up for them, that matters to me.  It matters a lot.  

The realization that I’m failing the people in my life … that was brutally uncomfortable because no one wants to see all the things they are failing at.  Especially when those things are human-ing fundamentals … and those things are failing the people in your life who matter.

So, what now?  

Well, luckily I bounce back from hurting my feelings pretty quickly … and not always in the shrugs and changes nothing kind of way.  

I’ve gone back to my “who do I want to be” picture and revised her a little.  I’ve raised her minimum standard as it were.  Showing up isn’t optional.  It’s also not enough.  The “how” also matters.  When I do show up, I show up in ways I need … mostly because it’s what I know … but, also, not enough.  Back to the original question … this is where it isn’t about me - it’s about them.  What they need and how they need it.  Which, I’m going to get wrong … sometimes, not always … but sometimes.  I’m also not going to always be the person someone I love needs.  That’s ok, sometimes they aren’t what or who I need … that’s life and I’m ok with that.  

What I’m not ok with, is being the person they never talk to … because I’m inconsistent, I don’t listen, I don’t give them the space or courtesy to sit with their problems in the ways that work for them. I’m not ok being the person who doesn’t reach out, who doesn’t ask, who doesn’t show up.  

That’s where it all gets tricky … being the person who can hear they aren’t getting it right … kick ego to the curb and be brutally honest with yourself … discern facts from fiction … be open to seeing the truth, even when it makes you look bad, even when it isn’t pretty.  Hearing or agreeing with these things is hard enough, having the ability or the willingness to change them, well .. that’s something else entirely.  

Showing up takes time, it requires energy, you have to care … sometimes it will be mutual sharing and sometimes it won’t be about you at all … and for me, that’s as it should be.  That’s what I need to do better … where I need to be better.  

Growth is hard, messy even and it’s uncomfortable and you won’t always love how you show up throughout the process.  It’s also necessary, or at least I think it is.  What’s life without evolution … without movement … that’s just standing still … that always feels like being stuck to me, and stuck, to me, is so much worse than any self reflection or brutal honesty.  

Growth isn’t perfect, but it’s progress.  It’s the process of showing up for ourselves.  It’s the modelling the care we want to bring to others through the care we bring to ourselves.  To me, it’s a fundamental part of being … like breathing.

Striking a balance between filling our own cups and pouring into others will always be a moving target … one I will often miss … but will continue to strive to make, because being that person matters to me … it’s time and energy well spent.  It’s a part of what my best self does … is. 

She’s better than she’s been. Continually striving to live that statement.  Continually striving for progress.