Mean Girl Vibes

I recently saw a video of someone talking about the ugly part of online presence and entrepreneurship … the idea that it’s ok to tear down or attack another person.  Those weren’t her words, they are mine.  It bothered me.  A lot.  We see this everywhere, normalize it … political campaigns are no longer about policy and instead are attacks on candidates as people … social media is littered with comments about how people look, an attack on ideas they are sharing because the commenter doesn’t share the same opinion etc.  It’s a normal part of our day to day.  

To be clear - I’m not talking about healthy debate or discussion … I’m not referring to constructive criticism or feedback … I’m talking about people being mean and attacking the person instead of the behaviour.  

I realize this isn’t new … although it feels more and more like being different is bad … whatever different looks like, sounds like, feels like … and here is the thing … Different is subjective.  In some circles I’m not different, I have peers and in others … I’m an outsider.  Different views used to be ok .. I think?  You could agree to disagree couldn’t you? 

Sighs.  

I’m trying to convince myself this is new … I know it’s not.  I feel like people became good at hiding their anger, their intolerance … Maybe not … Maybe I was just caught up in my own world, my own problems and overlooked what was going on around me.  

Small detour; when I was in grade 9 my friend passed me a note in English class judging the girl sitting in front me.  I added my commentary and passed it back.  She removed what she wrote and passed the note to the girl and told her I had written it about her and she thought she should know.  I saw the look on the girl's face … I knew what she was reading because I’d written it. I was horrified, but in that moment I learned two things … 

1. Something I had said about someone else that was designed to be cruel - it came from a place of judgement, it was subjective, it was not helpful or constructive … making it just cruel - had hurt that person.  It couldn’t be defended, justified and nothing I could say or do could make it better.  I had to own my actions, own my words, own my cruelty.  Period.  I learned that things I said in confidence might not always stay in confidence and if I had said them, I owned them. 

2. People will do mean things for no other reason than they can.  

I’d like to say I have never said or done a hurtful thing since, I’d like to, but I can’t.  I’ve been reminded on too many occasions that my actions or lack thereof, my words and/or my silence have ripples.  It’s always a hard lesson.  It’s always a humbling one.  

I’d like to believe in those moments - I own my actions, my words, or my silence and I step back and evaluate how to do better, to be better.  I’d like to, but I don’t know.  Sometimes we don’t see the impact - good or bad - that we have on others.  

I’m currently in a space where I’m easily annoyed, frustrated, and quick to judge … I don’t love that space … Adding my voice to the media comments always feels like noise and I very rarely comment on posts.  Maybe, in these moments I can look at my own actions.  Hold up a mirror and with brutal honesty look at my general behaviour of late and determine if I’m adding to the negativity or adding something if I saw played back wouldn’t make me cringe.  

I have to say … I admired the courage, the vulnerability and the grace the woman’s post demonstrated.  There is something raw about truth - especially when it points out humans at their worst.  When truth is stated in a way that isn’t accusatory, or fuelled by anger, and is better than the message it’s commenting on … it can be enlightening.  

Nobody wants to be hurt … I’m a cry in private kind of girl … people who can share their pain publically, in a way that’s providing context for people experiencing what they are … that’s not at all directed too or really even about the people who hurt them … but is filled with compassion and empathy and says I know this happens to others and I want them to know I see them, I’m proud of them, you aren’t alone … I have so much respect for that level of emotional regulation, capacity and depth of emotional awareness and grace.  

I wish we taught our kids - all of them - how to acknowledge their emotions, how to sit with them, to hear and feel what they are telling us before we react, before acting out.  Maybe it would make us kinder, to ourselves and others … Maybe it would help us be more tolerant of our differences … Less divided.  Maybe it would just make us more self aware … That seems like a good place to start, looking in the mirror, improving the person we see looking back - not through the lens of judgement, but compassion. 

I can start with the person I see looking back at me … that’s one person continually changing … that’s a start …