Letting Go

I was chatting with a friend about the fall and feeling like you were meant to be doing more … that sense of restlessness.

Last fall I wrote about letting go and here I am again … writing about letting go.

Letting go comes with a lot of emotion … ranging from grief - not necessarily from the loss of a person - but the loss of expectations, the view you have about how you become the person you should be … to an odd sense of calm … a belief, or faith that it’s going to be ok.

Letting go of control is hard, it’s the idea that the outcomes I want are the best for me … which should make sense.  Reminder: I have the capacity to believe some pretty big concepts, wild ideas, impossible things and even I can’t always imagine “how” things can unfold.

Two steps forward … one step back.

In imagining my life, I’ve tried to let go of the how, but I have held on tightly to certain beliefs, which I’m realizing are keeping me stuck.  This realization has happened before, but then I talk myself out of what I know … I want it, in my heart, so I convince myself it’s ok to believe, not just in broad strokes, but at a reasonably detailed level, because I like to feel like I have control.  Control is safe … correction, control feels safe. 

So, what’s the problem?

I am … well, not a problem per say, but I’ve grown, changed, the stories I am telling myself I no longer fully believe.  They have been replaced by a sort of knowing.  It’s not that I know what’s going to happen … it’s that I know that while I trust it will, I don't know how.  

When I quit my job a few years ago, I knew I’d be ok, I knew I’d find another job, I knew I would enjoy the summer off and think about work in the fall.  I didn’t how how, or where, or with who … as I have explained in other posts, when an opportunity presented itself, I responded, I prepared for the interviews, I did some intentional work … but I wasn’t tied to an outcome, I wasn’t hyper focussed on this job, this place, these people etc.  I took advantage of the opportunities that appeared, I was prepared but I also trusted the process. 

I had let go of needing to control the details … which, I have no control over anyway … #mindblown. 

It’s easy to slowly slip back into safe patterns, known behaviour … even when you know it isn’t bringing you what you want.  It’s easy to take the rejection, the failure, whatever it is … personally.  It takes some effort to say do I really want this?  Is this really for me?  What is it teaching me?  Especially when it feels like you are having these conversations with yourself frequently.  

While I’m growing - I’m not the same person I was two years ago - I’m slowly letting go of my need to control.  It hasn’t been an easy journey, it’s been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.  Read: exhausting.  

Acceptance is almost liberating, it feels easy … takes less energy and is somehow freeing.  

Sometimes I wonder why it has taken so long to figure out that my need for control is the equivalent of fighting the current … sighs.  

It’s not that I’m letting go of my dreams or goals … I’m not.  I’m letting go of the idea that it needs to happen a certain way.  A way that I’ve imagined to be the best way.  This also doesn’t mean I don't have a plan or am taking action … I’m just willing to be more flexible with the outcomes, adapt my plans as life happens.  

Apparently the universe thinks on an even grander scale than me … crazy!!

Flexible is also not something I’m practiced at or have a lot of experience with.  Feeling productive while being flexible is difficult for me.  I have to let go of the idea that I’m wishy washy, not driven, not results oriented etc. etc.  I think it’s connected to trust … I’m inconsistent with how, who and what I trust.  

These are heavy realizations - at least for me.  But the realizations are beginning to be met with less resistance.  Acceptance is such an odd thing - it’s a feeling of lightness, of ease.  

I sometimes think I take the longest, most challenging routes to get to the outcomes I’m working towards.  Sometimes that’s frustrating, but mostly I think it’s the path I take to ensure I learn whatever it is I need to learn … it’s the path I need. 

Letting go … that path has been insanely long … maybe a lifetime … but as the saying goes, better late than never!  While I’m still not fully there, I’m closer than I was.  Closer is good.  I’ll take closer.