Intentional Action

I had written about time management about a month, a month and a half ago … trying different approaches to feel productive.  I was researching wealth and financial independence about a month ago … basically, I have been in research mode … investigating … collecting knowledge. 

It wasn’t until I essentially broke up with a version of myself that I understood I have been using research as a reason to not start … or worse, be inconsistent with implementing change. 

Sighs.  

Some might call this procrastinating … maybe it was … is.  I feel like it was more than that.  It was fear … stopping me from stepping out of the lane I’m in … stepping out of the known and into the unknown … where people don’t or won’t understand, where it doesn’t make sense, it’s not possible etc. Fear exists because I don’t know … I am scared … those voices … mine, others … they might be right.  

But what if they aren’t?

I will make mistakes, I’ve made millions of those.  People won’t like what I have to offer.  Well, lots of people already don’t … those people, they aren’t who my voice is meant for.  

It’s as if you can do so much work and then … you stop … you aren’t ready to level up, you need to pause.  Sometimes you backslide, sometimes you undo all the work, sometimes you get stuck, you stall.  

The duration of the stall, well, that’s different for each of us and different from hurdle to hurdle.  I’ve been stalled for minutes, hours or even years.  It’s realizing you’re stalled … sometimes you don’t know you are.  You are out there, living, you are participating in the world, you are getting ahead etc. etc. Your life seems good … until you hit a wall … you know somethings wrong, but you can’t quite figure out how to move forward … until you can.  

You knock down one domino and suddenly … suddenly Pandora's box is open and all the things you’ve buried instead of facing, feeling … you realize you need to release. 

It’s exhausting.  It’s worth it. But it can make not wanting to make more radical changes appealing.  That’s where I’ve been … or at least I think that’s where I’ve been.  While a big part of me wants to just be in the life I want … a part of me also doesn’t.  That part doesn’t want to explain or defend it!  I just want to enjoy it … but I’m also afraid of what changes will come with it and if I’m really ready for them. 

It’s not that I don’t want others to know what or how I got there … I mean … I’m a sharer, obviously … I’m also private - about certain things. Usually the ideas I’m still percolating … still haven’t quite formed … I’m protective of those. 

I’ve said before, sometimes I think getting the life I want might scare me more than not getting it.  

I heard an interview with Brittainy Noel where she said “what does the warrior do when the war is over?”  I realized that’s what I was afraid of … but I didn't know how to articulate it.  Stepping into an upgraded version isn’t just about creating new habits and behaviours as it relates to tasks, think - working out … it’s about shifting beliefs and sometimes you are missing data, like doing a puzzle without knowing what the puzzle is supposed to look like.  

Point of clarification: while I resonated with the statement, I am not suggesting my life has been hard or without opportunities.  It has.  For me, it resonates because I’m used to providing, to working … to leaning into my masculine, because I needed to.  Balance, control … we have a theme. 

I just completed a “Day in the Life” on ChatGPT.  Which, for those who don’t know, is where you ask ChatGPT to tell you a story about your future self and you populate details of who that person is.  Once you like the story, you ask Chat GPT to provide you a schedule to allow you to step into that future life.  It’s like a cheat code … it’s not perfect, but it’s a start. 

So I have a routine that combines my current life and steps toward my future life.  

They are reasonable and surprisingly realistic and when you don’t have context for some of the things you are working towards read - independent wealth … it provides a visual as to what routines in that life might look like … it makes big dreams feel tangible, within reach, less scary.  

That routine will change as it moves from aspirational to actual … as I move from my current reality to my future reality.  I’ll have more knowledge and can adapt as I go, but the starting point feels less abstract and overwhelming.  Like all the ducks are falling into line as the saying goes.  

Starting is small, intentional … starting is less finger to the wind to check the temperature.  While trust and/or faith that this is where I’m meant to be exists … I still  need a plan … I still need to act … this gives me small steps towards bigger things.   For some … it may appear that it’s happened over night … but I’ll know … it happened because I worked for it … I earned it … as Brittainy Noel says “every good thing I got my tears paid for …”  It happened because I made a choice to take action ... intentional action.