Giving Thanks

I recently attended a free Tony Robbins webinar. There were tons of take aways, reminders, light bulb moments … but there was one thing … so simple, and yet I have completely overlooked it.  Giving thanks, to myself, for what makes me … me … what got me here, what will take me further.

I practice gratitude as a part of my daily routines.  In all these moments, none of them were for who I am.  

Lightning to the brain moment.  Seems utterly simple and yet … here we are.  Mind. Blown.  

What was most fascinating, was Tony was walking through an activity to demonstrate how to shift your state … essentially changing how we view our identity to get from one place to another.  

Side note: that could be a whole blog post on its own. 

But I digress … 

As a part of the exercise you had to stand up, close your eyes and put yourself back in a moment where you were proud … of yourself … for whatever it was … an accomplishment, an action you took, whatever that was … it needed to be yours, you needed to feel all the feels surrounding it … put yourself in the moment.  I chose when I quit my last job.  It was big and scary and necessary.  I was proud - not of the quitting, but for the courage and grace it took to recognize it was time and I needed to take a leap of faith and trust it would be ok.  

I am capable of crazy moments of courage.  

We then had to find a moment where we felt truly connected … with family and/or friends.  Again, we had to sit with that and conjure up all the feels. While I have several to choose from, the one that always stands out is from several lifetimes ago … sitting on the deck after being in the water with cousins … just sitting, in the sun, listening to the chaos of the overlapping conversations and laughter around me and feeling this overwhelming sense of peace, of belonging, of love.  Not because of anything anyone said or did … but because of who they were … wildly imperfect … loving … chaotic beings.  

I was raised in light … surrounded by wolves … always protecting their own … I have a gravitational pull towards light … it’s home … because of the pack that raised me … it’s where love lives.  

Pulling up those emotions is a part of gratitude I do not practice … that I need to practice.  I need to stop just being grateful as a thought exercise and let myself feel it.  Really feel it.  

Lastly, we had to choose a moment from our future that we were excited about or proud of.  Imagine it vividly … feel all the feels … and pull that into our hearts, our now.  I’m looking at homes, to buy - not rent … so I imagined writing a cheque, the layout, the colours, the furniture, the art on the wall … felt the excitement, the comfort of being home … of generally adulting … but mostly of building a home, that is as warm and welcoming as my apartment but doesn’t require permission to change things, that has just enough space to both entertain my family and friends but also to nestle into and be a sanctuary at the end of the day.  

Rabbit hole: I have the capacity to see things I want; so clearly, with unbelievable detail, and yet, surprisingly, for someone who emotes as big as I do, I also have the capacity to be very controlled and when it comes to feeling the gratitude I have for the life I’m living and the people who surround me … I am surprisingly arms length.  

What?!?!

So, in the spirit of “stacking the good” … I’m giving myself permission to feel even more deeply - look out world … smiles. 

Here’s the thing, I do feel big … so much bigger than me … and when I’ve let go and let myself love I have loved with every part of me and I have never regretted that.  I learned I can - I do.  That same emotional depth … pushes me to dig deep when it’s hard, when everyone is saying it’s not possible … It's the instinct that has let me follow my path, even when others haven’t understood or think it’s short-sighted or flat out wrong … it’s the grit that allows me to drive change that others can’t or won’t … that differentiates me and has given me a competitive edge.  While I may not always set boundaries out of the gate … I get there … my emotions step up and help me find my voice, my courage.  

My life choices might not make sense to everyone … or anyone .. sometimes I question them … but they are mine and I’m genuinely grateful for them - all of them, even the ones that hurt like hell … they shaped who I am, taught me something I needed to know and most importantly they brought me here.  To this exact moment … this exact time … to this exact version of myself … 

I’m not perfect … I’m better - I’m me - continuously evolving, progressing, growing … me.  

I can get behind feeling grateful for that.