Gift Giving

I joke with my nieces that their papa’s love language is gift giving.  I joke, but it’s true.  If I’m being honest - one of mine might be gift giving too.  I’ve been thinking about this on a more conscious level over the past few months.  As I’ve been tracking my money over the last few months I've become more aware of where and how I spend money.  

It wasn’t meant to be an exercise in judgement - more an exercise in awareness.  If I understand how my money moves - I’ll see opportunities for where and how I can optimize that movement.

As we move closer to the holidays - I’m aware of how much moves into gifts … I’m also aware of how year end heavy some of my expenditures are … which is always interesting.  

Will I stop spoiling my bebe’s?  Probably not.  I love spoiling them … it’s not just about gifts … When possible, it’s about shared experiences and building memories.  But I do love spoiling them when I get the chance.  I do have a cut off age - 25.  It’s based on the age of the youngest and my age … a semi-random formula I adapted to ensure money in my retirement.  Totally based on an older view of thinking - but I haven’t modified it.  I’m not sure I will.  Hard to say.  

I do need to look at some of my spending habits.  Impulse buying is problematic …  I need to channel that energy into healthier habits.  I’m in this weird space - activities I used to do, I don’t want to do.  Reading isn’t enjoyable at the moment, which I don’t love.  I’m hoping I’m one good book away from losing time to characters and stories but, the act of picking up a book feels painful right now.  

Truth be told, I feel lazy.  I realize this, in itself, is a habit, but it’s how I feel.  Don’t love the feeling. Sometimes I think I use shopping as a distraction.  I like nice things, I prefer quality to cheap - when applicable. I do have moments of practicality.  I’d say it’s come up since leaving my job - but that would be a lie.  I may be more aware of it, but it’s certainly not a net new behaviour.  

I think my looking at different properties is really driving this point home.  My current household expenses are quite low in relation to my income - this is largely a timing thing as it relates to when I moved in and controls around increases etc.  The idea of dramatically increasing that spend - for places I consider downgrades - are creating some inner conflicts, in that I am struggling to justify it in my head (read, nothing about it makes me happy - brings me joy).  

This leaves me in an odd limbo - somewhere between avoidance and a reality I can work with.

Sighs.  

So … I spend.  

I did say unhealthy habit.  

The problem?  The solution?  Now that I’m calling out the behaviour, teasing apart some of the root causes driving the behaviour, I need to start solutioning modifications.  Do we hear the term balance?  

I realize I beat myself up over my general lack of balance … just about everywhere in my life.  It’s not so much that I think it’s bad … my lack of balance has worked for me - until it hasn’t.  So - maybe balance isn’t the right term for me … maybe it’s moving the target to healthy for me - in the moment (does that read like impulse control issues?  No.  Good).  

Do I spend more than I should on my kiddos?  I’m told I do.  I’m not overly motivated to change that.  Do I spend more than I should in other areas?  Likely (read - yes).  Am I more motivated to evaluate and moderate that behaviour?  Also, yes.  

Honestly, growth can feel a little painful … wildly humbling and borderline tedious.  Am I looking forward to levelling up and levelling out for a while?  Definitely.  Am I continuously putting myself under a microscope in ways that are becoming habitual?  Probably.  Is it affecting my ego?  It seems my ego has a fairly rapid rebound rate.  Something else I picked up from my papa?  Maybe … maybe something I picked up from both the parentals.  Something healthy.  I do have a few of those!  This one has proven especially helpful over the last couple of years as I deep dive my behaviours, patterns, habits, life choices etc. etc. 

The gift giver in me appreciates the wrapping reels on my socials at the moment.  It’s the part of gift giving I learned from Mother - presentation.  I like making the gift look pretty - with clean lines, flourished ribbons or pretty packages.  That part likely matters to me more than those receiving the gifts, but it's important in my mind.  It’s the details … I like details, even in wrapping. They elevate, even when they are simple - like painted holly leaves and red bells on kraft paper packages … They bring personality.  To me, that’s part of the thought process in giving gifts … which, is likely why, it’s one of my love languages.