Feels Like Flying

When I was younger I loved the swings … when you reached the height of the motion it felt like you could fly … I love that feeling.  As a teenager, friends introduced me to cliff jumping.  Read: an abandoned quarry - it had flooded and the equipment was still there, buried under the water and clearly visible from where the local kids jumped.  The “cliff” was about 10 to 12 feet high and the only way back up was to climb … once I had established an understanding of how deep the water was, the ease of climbing up the rockface, alternatives if I couldn’t climb back up … I mean, completely legitimate questions - safety first … I took a deep breath and jumped … 

Oh my god … those few seconds while falling, suspended in air .. were amazing … like the swings, only better … I felt like anything was possible - like I could fly.  I fell in love with that feeling.  It was empowering, brave, it was filled with joy.  

Spoiler: I was able to climb back up the wall with surprising ease.  

Later in life … falling in love … same feeling … being suspended in air - like anything is possible.  

There is a feeling of freedom, endless joy, an exhilaration I can’t articulate.  It’s not something I feel often, but when it appears, it’s incredible.  

I have been feeling stuck lately, caught up in cycles of maybe, what if … feelings stemming from control, holding on etc.  I don’t do stuck well.  I won’t stay there longer than I have too … well, not when I’m consciously aware I’m stuck!

Last week I mentioned I have been holding on tightly to the outcomes … not trusting the process or that I might not have all the information.  Sighs.  So, I took steps to start letting go.  Since I write, I wrote.  I wrote a goodbye letter.  I essentially broke up with what I needed to let go of.  It was clear, honest, there was no anger, resentment or blame … I’d like to think I was gracious but firm on my boundaries and needs.  I needed to move forward and to do that, I needed to let go.  

I was surprisingly calm … I read it, edited it, read it again.  I’ve read it a few times since just to remind myself when I think I’m in danger of taking a step back … a step into safe … into known … instead of a step forward.  

A surprising thing happened … my heart ached while I wrote it … I wasn’t emotional but there was weight sitting on my chest.  After, the weight was gone.  Replaced by a lightness, an ease.  All week I’ve noticed I’m finding connection, flow in the simplest moments … a good song on the radio while driving, appreciation for a good story, laughter with friends … 

It’s been a week … things that would have set me on edge or ruined my day last week matter less this week.  I’m still mildly annoyed, I didn’t have my entire personality replaced!  But I’m taking things less personally.  By that, I mean … I’m taking ownership of what is mine to own, looking at options for continuous improvement … I like growth.  I’m just not willing to own what's not mine to own, or fix what isn’t mine to fix.  

It’s funny, some might see a change and think it happened overnight … it feels like it did once I could get my head around faith, or trust … or both.  The reality is, it was happening over the course of months, years.  All the quiet work … all the lessons learned …every broken heart … knock down, knock out … every wrong turn, choice etc.  That’s the process. 

That’s life … laughs … I know ... Glorious right?

That’s the point.  Life is filled with messy, with emotion, unexpected turns … we land in places we don’t want to be … make choices we want to undo … but they help us land, more frequently in places that fill us up, with people who make us want to continue to do better. 

Letting go was never about removing accountability or not showing up and being present … in actuality letting go has let me be more present, has let me show up more authentically and has made me feel more like me.  It’s connected me more to my emotions without making me emotional … if that makes sense?

Letting go … it feels like flying.