Estate Management

My sister, cousin and I have just finished cleaning out my aunt’s apartment. While she only had a two bedroom apartment - she was of a generation that threw very little to nothing away … as such … there was a collection of not just her life, but the lives of people who had gone before her. 

Most of these things were in boxes … Neatly packed away and likely forgotten, pictures I know she didn’t look at because of what it took to access them … Emails, books, clothes …She also had art - but those were on the walls where she could enjoy them … books that she read and reread … Some of what she kept was legit - bank or credit card statements, old cheque books - she knew one didn’t toss these types of documents.  

Sorting through someone else’s life is both overwhelming and exhausting … Things that may have mattered to her - we lacked context for, we didn’t necessarily see or understand deeper meaning … To us, it was mostly a collection of stuff. 

Some of her things we are holding until the gravesite service where we will distribute to the people coming in from distances, some were donated and some tossed. 

It makes me think of my space, the things I keep because they matter - in the moment - but I never look at … I’m thinking of old Christmas or birthday cards, letters, keepsakes … Most of my photos I have scanned, so they are all digital … Although I do have some framed or in photo book frames that I haven’t updated or rotated.  I think I’m going to review some of these in the fall, update the pictures I have on display etc. 

I recently purged my email folders … So only 6 months of electronic bills are on hand, only valid warranties etc. I do have an updated list of my expenses and the vendors I use which I update regularly to ensure accuracy. 

This is not my first time executing an estate - although in this particular case, I’m merely support staff.  

I love art - that’s not changing. I do need to look at what is in my storage unit and maybe do a  purge there. While I’m not a product of the depression era - I’m a byproduct of a byproduct.  Collecting has been modelled for me my whole life … I keep things “just in case,” “for when,” … I keep things because sentimentality wins the debate and once it’s out of sight - it is also out of mind and I’m good at putting things away. 

I’m also WAY too good at using the space I have efficiently - meaning I can store or stuff more than you’d imagine into spaces without it appearing cluttered, or chaotic, or too full. While on the surface that seems to be a core strength - I would argue it is not. It enables hoarding, collecting … not things I should be enabling for myself. 

I go through bouts of decluttering but one inevitably collects more. 

I’m not suggesting I throw out all the things I have collected or kept for sentimental reasons … I am human.  I am suggesting I start thinking about why I’m keeping them, how long I keep them for, maybe put some boundaries around the keeping.  Things that mattered to me will likely just be “stuff” to those sifting through my life … neat - yes … overwhelming - probably. 

It’s fresh now, I have just finished at the apartment this week. Will the questions about my habits linger? I don't know. Hopefully some will. I’ll let go of things I haven’t touched or looked at … Let go of excess as a byproduct. Hopefully I’ll keep the practices I have - cleaning out the old electronic receipts I don’t need, shredding expired documents etc. 

I will admit to having an old briefcase with stuff from an estate I managed - which should have been disposed of years ago … But I can’t remember the lock code for it and I think it has documents for shredding.  So - I’ve kept it. Crazy. I know. It's massive too. It needs to be sorted so I can let it go and free up space. 

The things we put off … The things we delay. 

Thankfully my mother lets a lot go … She’s not a collector … My father - well, he is … it just manifests differently with him than with his siblings. 

I want to learn from these moments.  Adapt, adjust. I don’t want to keep things to keep them. I think I’m getting better … Maybe hope is the more accurate description? 

I’m young enough to adapt, to alter habits and patterns that aren’t serving me. Collecting - that isn’t serving me.  Letting go more, is in my best interests. I need to figure that out. 

The art I enjoy … It makes me smile. I look at it, stop in the hall or living room and look at it.  So, I can keep that. I enjoy a good book and reread the ones I really love. So, understanding my habits and patterns, what works for me and what doesn’t … Keeping the good and discarding the bad … I can do that. 

Some decluttering will wait … It’s humid and the storage shed is neat and my board is blocking some of what I’d need to sort through. Some can be done now … 

Never let a good crisis go to waste - I believe is how the saying goes. This is where my work brain butts up against the rest of my brain and wants to pull apart what isn’t working and create better foundations or fundamentals. 

It has occurred to me that I’m avoiding the emotional side of my loss … I’ve landed on no - I’m not. I’ve let myself feel it, I’ve let myself cry. The emotions will ebb and flow for a while … I will let myself feel it when the emotions come, look for the opportunities to do better, to be better. Grief is a teacher - albeit not a popular one - but a teacher none the less.

Life hasn’t stopped, grief will move with me. Somedays I won’t notice her and other days the weight of her will feel overwhelming. I have decided my body will process the loss in the ways that make sense for me. I don’t  need to make excuses for that, apologize for it … I will trust the process, knowing it will look different from previous losses - as it should - each loss is as unique as the person being lost. Who I am at this moment is different from who I was before … What I need, how I choose to show up for myself - also different.  That’s ok.

I will carry her light - it’s a part of me. I used to think the world got darker with the absence of them. Now I realize I carry pieces of them - their light included.  That makes the harder days a little less dark.