Choices

I came across a quote … While I couldn’t tell you who said it - who wrote it … The quote itself stuck.  “Perhaps the next chapter has more to do with who and what you’re choosing to grow with, rather than what you're letting go.”

I like quotes … From movies, books, song lyrics … I love how eloquently people express thoughts and emotion.  It’s true of any art form really, whether it’s music, paintings, photography, sculptures … it’s a brave thing to put your heart into something, there is something beautiful about that kind of vulnerability. 

I like how you can stumble upon those words and their meaning hits in a way you needed in the moment they found you.  How certain songs stumble into your random playlists, how your eye catches moments and freezes them like a camera freezes imagery in photos … 

It’s amazing to me that a phrase, a lyric can take root in your mind … Push you, remind you, urge you … 

I self identify as selfish … am I?  Maybe … Probably.  I put myself ahead of others more than a lot of people I know … Less than others … I think it’s a balancing act, when to help others, even when it’s uncomfortable, it requires disagreeing or challenging people you respect, but it feels like the right thing to do, despite the discomfort.  Sometimes you have to let go of the people pleasing, you have to choose you - you should choose you.

When I first read that quote I thought the “who” referred to the friends, the family … But then I realized, maybe it was about choosing yourself … That version of you you’re choosing to be … That we as individuals are the “who” we choose to grow with, to grow for.  

As women, we’re often expected to put ourselves second - after everyone else … I sometimes wonder if that’s why I self describe as selfish … So it’s clear, I’m not less … When I’m sick, I’m allowed to take care of myself, I’m allowed to have drive and to want to make a difference professionally … I’m going to be unapologetic about my capacity to think, to feel, to have needs and wants and to verbalize them. 

Spoiler: the boundary piece I haven’t perfected … I can set them - and do - but I don’t always like rocking the boat, sometimes it’s easier to say nothing, to keep the peace.  Well, until it’s not.  I wonder if that’s how we lose ourselves, everytime we choose ease over growth … Not that everything needs to be a fight, there is a time, and that looks different for everyone.  

That’s the thing about growth.  As you evolve, as you change, not everyone in your life will like who you’re becoming … It’ll inconvenience, disrupt, or create discomfort to some.  Not all.  That’s ok.  As painful as it might be … As disappointing … Stepping up, stepping into your light … The right people will be happy for you, will encourage you, and will be rooting for you.  

The person who matters most … Well, that’s us as individuals … At the end of the story, it’s our life, our choices, it’s ultimately our story and whether we’re ok with how we chose to live it - or not … Well, that’s on us.  

Would I prefer easy - laughs - yes, emphatically yes.  Then everyone would grow, would evolve right?  Wouldn’t that be amazing!

Sighs.

I suspect that would depend on us defining growth the same … Despite definitions existing - I mean, it is a thing … It really is amazing how concepts like faith, or growth or kindness are incredibly abstract and the definitions can be so interpreted so drastically differently from person to person.

Oxford defines growth as “the process of developing or maturing physically, mentally, or spiritually.”  I like this definition.  I like the idea that we as humans get a lifetime to become the people we are meant to be … To continually falter, continually learn lessons, continually improve at being ourselves.  I couldn’t imagine wanting to stay the same, even if the changes are subtle, only noticeable to us. At the end of the day, I’m the one person I will spend the entirety of my life with.  I am the one person who knows the darkest parts of me, every unspoken thought, every fear, every wish, every dream - realized or not.  I’m the one who needs to be ok with who I choose to be, who I’ve chosen to be and who I’m choosing to become. 

Will I always get it right?  Laughs - no, hard no.  Am I supposed to? No, I’m not.  It’s the choices I make when I get it wrong that matter … That’s where the real growth happens … In the hard, in the hurt, in the failure, in the fall - at least that’s where I think it happens. 

This next chapter, I’m choosing to grow with me.  If that’s selfish - then I’m selfish.  I’m still choosing me.  I’m not waiting for someone to choose for me - I’m taking the action by making the choice … I’m reclaiming my voice, my power, myself.  I’m making my choice and my choice is me.