That Voice - Again

This week was a lot.  Difficult personalities, childish behaviour, bitter cold weather, things not working or breaking down.  In these moments - when things get hard or don’t go my way or I feel like I’m in over my head … that little voice pipes up … sometimes she’s positive, telling me I’ve got this, I can do this … my positive self-talk is often in the third person so really she sounds more like “you can do this” or “you’ve got this”.  I’m sure there is something to that - but I’ve admittedly never cared enough to go down that rabbit hole. 

Speaking of rabbit holes … the only reason I even know my positive self talk is in the third person is because a few years ago I was boarding with a friend and the water got pretty wavy.  Instead of popping down I stayed up and started telling myself “you’ve got this … you’re strong enough … you’re balanced … you can do hard things”. My friend asked me who I was talking to and when I told her myself she wanted to know why I was talking to myself like I was a separate person … couldn’t answer.  Since then, I’ve noticed my pep talks - are all in the third person … all “you” while my negative self-talk is all “I”.

Hmmm … 

Since paying attention to my self-talk - more specifically my negative voice … I’ve noticed patterns in my narratives.  Certain stories I lean on.  They all lean into owning responsibility or blame so I can hold onto control.  I know, I know.  Some things I do own, some things are within my control (read yelling at driver in front of me for not signaling or brushing the snow off their car). I’m choosing to be unreasonably upset by this.  I could give them space, stay behind them so they don’t blindly change lanes into my car because they can’t see out of their snow-covered windows.  Yelling at them accomplishes nothing.  Nothing! Why I default to anger - dunno.  

Other people’s choices - are not within my control.  I don’t own them. I don’t need to. I’m wildly inconsistent on this point - at work, I don’t own other people’s behaviours.  I coach them when appropriate but I don’t own their behaviour.  In my personal space … I do this so much more. 

Interesting side note - I caught myself telling myself a story about someone else’s behaviour.  A story I’ve used before.  What was interesting - I caught it.  Truthfully, I think the story started automatically as if on auto pilot.  The story itself - it didn’t have weight, it felt untrue.  That’s the interesting thing about the stories that little voice tells us … logically we might doubt its validity but it hits us … in the chest, in the gut, in the throat … there is a weight where it lands.  It feels true.  I’m convinced that voice counts on how its message feels, how it lands.  That’s how it gets us.  

I know I’ve grown over the past few years.  But I see me all the time - like every hour of every day.  Sometimes change is subtle.  Small shifts that happen gradually.  So gradually that we miss them.  Then - out of nowhere - you catch that voice trying to sell you lies … not because it’s evil, but because it thinks it’s still protecting you, and WHAM … you don’t feel it - not in your chest, your gut, your throat … not anywhere … it no longer feels true.  Just like that you can change the story.  Remove the need for control.  Remove yourself completely and have it feel safe.  

A seemingly small, insignificant thing. Yet it comes with a realization that change has happened.  Growth. A change of course.  Lessons learned and old behaviours left behind.  That seemingly small thing felt a little like putting down a shield.  No fear. No applause. No real idea when it happened.  Just the realization it did.

Growth is like that. Sometimes it happens without us realizing.  We changed without the conscious awareness of the event … we changed because of all the little things we did - we changed as a result of the compounding interest of our actions, repeated, over time.  

I will take the win and a moment to be proud of myself for letting go, for doing the work, for getting me here.  Then I will move forward.  Knowing that voice will return - with updated stories and narratives that make me doubt, make me overthink, make me stop.  It will always be there … sometimes whispering quietly, sometimes insanely loud … While I know it’s there, I know it’s not always right, I know to question it - not blindly trust it … it will stop me - sometimes … I will trust it - sometimes. 

There will always be times when I choose easy, when I fall prey to doubt or fear … I’m not saying this to brag or because I’m proud of it … I wish I could say I will always persevere, win out over doubt, over fear, over insecurity etc. I want to say that because I want it to be true. But I am human. Sometimes those emotions will win. 

So how do I make peace with that? First - I accept that I’m human, I’m flawed, I’m allowed to misstep.  I understand that short-term setbacks are just that - short-term. Sometimes we need them - to strengthen our why, to learn or understand why this path isn’t the one for us … Learning and growth are lifetime companions. 

I think the win is in being aware that the voice exists, it believes what it’s telling us to be true, to be protecting us from getting or being hurt.  Awareness is always the first step … from there we can choose - action, or not … growth or status quo. 

Growth is hard. Growth is uncomfortable. Growth often comes with costs. While the status quo may not be easy - it’s the devil you know. There is comfort in that. 

If I look at who I was when I started this almost three years ago - I might not be able to articulate what has changed about who I am and yet sometimes I think everything has. 

What I can say - I don’t know where this path leads, I know it’s the right one.  It will lead me to the people, and places, and opportunities I’m meant to meet.  

Even that voice seems to understand that. She has moments of panic but she quiets quickly and her words don’t have weight. 

Delusional faith is currently taking the wheel and that voice and I are along for the ride.