Surrounded by Wolves

This past week was crazy, work was a series of fires.  Some - just the nature of the work and some, well, some were unnecessary.  I’ve had weeks like this before - where all the things blow up at once and you move into problem solving, you default into processes that you know by heart. 

Those moments are fuelled by adrenaline, love of what you do, anxiety, fear and caffeine.  I’m not an adrenaline junkie - like, at all - but these moments of getting out of your head, asking questions, making decisions … they lean into all my strengths.  And in these moments, the things that make me different, those things also make me valuable … make me good at what I do. 

Those moments don’t come with accolades, or applause, or pats on the head or gold stars … there was a personal satisfaction, a knowing or proving that I’m good at this. 

Spoiler … I do not do anything that saves lives, no hospital, first responder … I’m not playing god.  I feel obligated to point this out. 

This week … I felt productive and proud of my work … but it was different then it’s been before.  There wasn’t the adrenaline I usually feel, the fear as I’m becoming aware that we have an issue but I haven’t fully needed to step in. 

This week was weird on so many levels. I wouldn’t say I’m disengaged - I’m not. I still care - deeply about doing good work, I respect my boss, my co-workers and my team … but there is a distance.  I’m not sure how to describe it.  

To be clear, that distance, I felt it across my life in general. 

It’s not depressed or isolated or lonely … it doesn’t feel bad, it doesn’t feel good … it’s just there, this neutral awareness that something is different, something has shifted, something has changed. 

Does anyone else get ideas in their head … maybe ideas isn’t the right word.  It’s almost like a knowing … Like I know my height, or age, or eye colour. This happens to me a lot.  Most of the time these thoughts randomly appear, some less probable than others and yet, there is a certainty, sometimes the randomness has become realized sometimes not.  Sometimes they are fleeting, others plant themselves firmly in my brain. This week felt like a lot of knowings and this odd sense of movement.  Like the last pieces of a life were falling away.  No grief, no sadness, just acceptance. 

The weirdest part - nothing happened. There was nothing discernibly different … busier, but mostly normal and the same.  

And yet …

Everything is different.

When I get migraines, temperature is a big deal.  Heat intensifies the pain, the nausea … cool surfaces, cold water, ice packs … help.  It’s as if parts of me are on fire and the cool brings balance, hits pause on the pain, the intensity.  

This week felt a little like that, we had intense humidity and heat.  While I didn’t have a headache or a migraine it felt like the space around me was that push-pull I feel when I have one.  Like the migraine had stepped outside of me or I had stepped into it?  Just without the pain.  

The thing about migraines, there’s a pattern.  The pain builds in predictable ways … it’s outside of my control and I have no choice but to surrender to the process.  While this week wasn’t like having a migraine in any real sense, it was in the sense that I felt like I was surrendering to the process … accepting where I have no control.  

And just like that, I’m on a different path.  

Do I know what that means? Do I know where this is taking me?  Not really.  Do I trust I’m where I’m supposed to be?  Surprisingly, yes.  

Crazier still … I’m not anxious, or scared, or worried .. It's like all of that got left in last week. I have a sense that everything is about to change. That all the things will happen quickly.  And yet … strangely calm.  All the fear I carried this long, brought this far … I don’t need it anymore.  Safety can take on new forms … can walk beside you, whisper in your ear, lend you strength, courage, faith when doubt, fear, uncertainty etc. creep in.  

I was raised by wolves, I was raised in light … that is a part of me … will always be a part of me … will always surround me … no matter what path I find myself on … I feel safe within my pack.  There’s confidence that comes from that … the calm is knowing I’ll be ok - without knowing what’s next … I’ll be ok … I’m surrounded by wolves … my wolves.