Frequency of Whats'

Have you ever had one of those days - where you wonder why you got out of bed? Ever have a few of those in a row? 

It’s not so much what’s happening as much as the frequency of whats' … a series of small whats’, charging you several times a day, several days in a row … basically pushing you off the edge of a cliff. 

I’d say it’s been a week, it’s been several.  It doesn’t help when you’re passionate about all the things, or the people, or the situation and everything feels like it’s self combusting.  

These are the moments when perspective comes in handy.  Is this life or death?  No?  Then breathe.  Can this be fixed?  Yes?  Then breathe.  Is this life altering in a bad way?  No?  Then breathe.  

Sounds like I’ve got this figured out and I’m excelling at this human experience thing.  

Spoiler - I had to run an errand, in the five minutes between exiting my car and buying the thing, my keys vanished.  Poof - gone.  I had a moment where I had a strong urge to collapse on the floor and just cry - it was the end of a long series of rough days.  As a friend pointed out, I wasn’t so far gone that I thought that would be ok … So, I did not fall apart - externally.  It does, however, illustrate my point - not excelling, I have very human moments and often feel like I’m losing my mind.  

What seems to be helping - finding gratitude … In those moments, I’m holding onto gratitude for dear life.  

In that particular example, the women in the store were so helpful and so nice.  The auto service showed up faster than expected and unlocked my car (my house keys and phone were in my purse, which I had left in the car - I’d only grabbed my wallet).  

Spoiler - my missing keys, also in my purse.  Apparently I had thrown them into the purse when I pulled my wallet out.  Funny right?  Lesson?  Everything worked out - just not in the way I had expected when I ran the errand.  

It’s been back to back weeks of wondering if this is a test … not really sure who I am asking and if it is, I’m also unclear on who is running it and if I’m passing it.  

As I talk myself through situation after situation, I’m noticing a spike in my anxiety levels.  Not sure why.  Anxiety spikes are happening in the periods of calm - after the chaos has subsided.  They come out of nowhere and I get to acknowledge the tightness in my stomach - it always passes, but I don’t know what’s driving it or what it’s trying to tell me.

Sighs.  

What I’m looking forward to - more than anything - as we move into the weekend?  Getting outside - a walk, a hike, the water … don’t care … I need air, I need space, I need nature.  Followed by a good book.  It feels like a lifetime since I curled up and got lost in a story.  Those are my two goals - read and get outside … everything else, well, it’s gravy.  

What to read, not sure if I want something familiar or something new or maybe a little of both?  Sometimes there is solace in the familiar … familiar characters, stories, knowing how it’s going to end … sometimes.  

Sometimes hitting pause on the chaos is the only way to alter perspective, to change the vantage point from which you see what’s being thrown at you.  It’s not escaping or running away - I’m not leaving my life … It’s merely putting the chaos on hold while you take another call.  

Moving, reading, music, writing … These things slow down my mind - which makes everything slow down, return to a normal pace, devoid of urgency or immediacy.  It’s why I need these things - they quite literally feed my soul.  

So, as I sit at the bottom of the cliff, I’m still in one piece.  My urgent isn’t other’s urgent, their urgent isn’t mine.  I have a million things I’m grateful for to keep my buoyant, to keep my head above the water.  I have music playing, pen to paper, windows open - allowing me to feel the night breeze and a handful of books begging to be read.  All in all, not a bad place to be.  

Sometimes taking a minute, sitting a while at the bottom, pausing between problem solving and action is okay.  Better than okay even.  Sometimes it’s necessary.  Stepping away, hitting pause, may seem bizarre or like madness … but maybe it’s strategy … it’s allowing yourself to regain perspective, see more of the picture then you can when you are caught up in the midst of it … To better understand the right next step.  

There will always be a frequency of whats’ … there will always be the bottom of another cliff … Sometimes the bottom is the best place to be … It is, after all, where rising starts.