Family Ties

I come from a large family.  Well - my immediate family is the size of most … My extended family - much larger. 

I have loads of cousins - which stands to reason - I have double digit aunts and uncles.

When I was little I saw them regularly - New Years Eve, Easter Sunday, Family Picnic, Thanksgiving and Boxing Day - at a minimum.  Every. Year. For years. Cousins lived with us, I lived with cousins …  I knew them.

Then life happens.

You grow up … You go your own way, they go theirs’ … Have your own interests … Keeping up with the demands of life and immediate family feels hard … The broader family, well, some take a backseat.  

Not because you care about them less, life just life’s … sometimes you come together for big events - think weddings, think funerals.  Sometimes, not always.  

Sometimes the big events come out of nowhere - they blindside you, them … They feel earlier than they should be, and you reconnect with family in unexpected ways. 

While I wouldn’t wish the why on my worst enemy, I’m in this spot now with a few cousins.  

The funny thing - they were just a little older or younger than me … They weren’t the ones I played with or were necessarily friends with.  I knew them but I wouldn’t say I knew them. Now circumstances have changed that.  We text, we talk … Sometimes for hours.

I do mean that literally -  I’ve been on calls that have lasted two and four hours.  The crazy thing?  I mean other than two and four hour phone calls -  the conversation flowed, was interesting, engaging, stimulating.  I got ideas for my balcony, deep thoughts about death, healing and the nature of people. Always laughter - always. 

We are different.  Products of our environments, our choices, our experiences … But we are also surprisingly similar.  

Maybe that’s the thread of family … Different upbringings built on the same values.  When life gets hard, there is a knowing you can lean and someone has you.  You can rest, for a moment - can breathe - before picking up the load and carrying on.  

If family is the core value, how that is embodied in us as individuals is unique.  Who we define as family is also different. To some … Family is blood and only blood. 

To me, it’s more … it’s that collective group you’re wildly protective of, show up for, sit with, endure - sometimes, cheer for - always, believe in, love and all the other messy, complicated things that go with that.  They make you crazy, they see the best, the worst and everything in between, they are the ones that both energize and exhaust you … mostly, they are the ones you can’t imagine your life without.  They are a part of you - embedded in your soul.  

When you think about them like that, of course you can talk for hours … There are endless things to say. 

But … 

They are also the ones you can sit in silence with.  In those moments where silence says more - says everything words can’t. 

As a talker - the ones I can comfortably sit in silence with, they are the gems, the keepers,  The ones I claim as family.  Some of these came from the same blood, others I’ve found along the way - but don’t love any less. 

They are as necessary as air … They bring perspectives that challenge me, laughter that lightens me, acceptance of me and love that fills me.  

They are just as human as I am, on their own journey’s, which I am fortunate enough to witness. 

What’s even more amazing?  We chose each other.  Well, some might argue we don’t choose our family, I think we do.  We choose our boundaries, our behaviours, when and how we show up for each other … We may not always agree with them, understand them … But they teach us things about ourselves.

While I was writing this, I was curious about the definition of the word family … I found I preferred the psychology definition.  It aligns with how I view and feel about the word … the focus is on what they do and not the structure.  Shouldn’t the what they do weigh more? The support, the evolution, the commitment, the interconnectedness … that seems fundamentally core to any relationship … how we show up, who we choose to be in the context of that relationship … that resonated.  

The evolution of my relationships with my extended family is nice … whether it’s short or long term … it doesn’t matter … There is a tie that connects us, that allows our lives to be independent of each other but with a knowing that we have each other if and when we need each other.  Connection is what makes us human … what connects us to our purpose … our hearts … Maybe that’s what makes family special … they humanize us in ways others don’t, can’t … because they have seen behind the curtain … they know the wizard as it were.  

Whatever the reason for family … I’m grateful for mine.  I got lucky with mine.  Wildy imperfect and utterly perfect for me.